Markets 🤑
What to know: (Because You’re Not Still Watching The Office Again, Right?)
- Tesla sat on its Bitcoin like a dragon on a hoard, made zero moves, and still raked in $80 million. Because apparently, doing nothing is the new hustle. 💸🐉
- Revenue? Nailed it. EPS? Meh. Wall Street’s like, “We wanted a 10, you gave us a 9.5. Unfollow.” 📉
- Shares dipped in after-hours trading. Probably because the market was too busy Googling “How to be as cool as Elon.” 📊😎
So, Tesla (TSLA) is still hoarding 11,509 BTC, worth about $1.35 billion at the end of Q3. Today? Slightly less. But hey, who’s counting? (Everyone. Everyone’s counting.) Bitcoin’s price went up, and Tesla’s like, “Thanks, we’ll take the $80 million.” 🤑
For context, their adjusted EBITDA was $4.3 billion, and they’re sitting on $41.6 billion in cash. So, the $80 million is like finding a $20 bill in your old jeans. Nice, but not life-changing. Unless you’re buying jeans. 👖
Revenue hit $28.1 billion, beating estimates like they’re a piñata at a kid’s birthday party. Adjusted EPS? $0.50. Wall Street wanted $0.54. Close enough, right? Right? 🤷♀️
Thanks to new FASB rules, Tesla now has to report Bitcoin gains or losses every quarter. Before, they could just pretend it never happened. Like that time you wore white after Labor Day. No one’s judging. (We’re judging.) 👀
TSLA shares are down a smidge in after-hours trading at $434. But let’s be real, Elon’s probably tweeting about Mars right now, so who cares? 🚀
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2025-10-23 00:25