Observe! From the sacred annals of Theminermag, chronicler of cryptic currencies and more drama than a Parisian salon!
SCENE I. Enter HIVE Digital, puffed up with pride, quill in hand and dreams in pocket, tripping gaily into Toronto with a 7.2-megawatt data center tucked, perhaps awkwardly, beneath its arm—the crowning jewel for its newly-minted scion, BUZZ HPC (a name so peppy, one almost expects it to tap dance).
‘Twas on a gloomy Monday (all strategic moves happen on gloomy Mondays), a proclamation! HIVE, eager to carve its name in the frosty halls of Canadian AI, boasts of plans to drown machines in liquid (one assumes not vintage burgundy), all to whip up advanced computational sorcery worthy of a royal court magician.
This lauded facility—smack dab in Toronto, where techies multiply nightly—plans a grand metamorphosis to Tier 3 standards. Soon, the halls may echo with the whirring of five thousand mighty GPUs, whirring like the bees in BUZZ HPC’s bonnet. “Enough horsepower to make a poet swoon,” they claim, “and suitable for governments, scholars, and those grandiose enterprises forever yearning to outdo one another with numbers and jargon.”
Mark ye well! This little drama unfolds as the world (or at least, Twitter) clamors for more AI horsepower. Crypto miners everywhere, perhaps restless from mining coins, see the shining light of AI and scramble to call themselves ‘visionaries’—or, at least, ‘rebranded’.
Elsewhere, the accountants of HIVE puff their chests: “Behold! $7.03 million in hosting bounty over nine months!” All in pursuit of that elusive dream: being known for something—nay, anything—other than Bitcoin mining.
Yet, dear audience, the mining continues unabated! HIVE couldn’t resist some extra boasts: they’ve crossed the fabled 11 EH/s at shimmering Paraguay, striving for 25 EH/s by November—the Thanksgiving table surely groaning under the weight of both turkey legs and triumphant press releases.
May yielded 139 BTC, a result so dazzling, it caused a 32% spike in realized computing capacity (and maybe a few egos as well).
As all good tales must conclude, the original scroll may be admired here. Applaud, or roll thine eyes, as preferred. 🎭🍾
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2025-06-23 16:39