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Therefore, we’ve been examining alternatives. Specifically, companies that actually dig the stuff up. Newmont Corporation (NEM +2.38%) and Agnico Eagle Mines (AEM +2.57%) present a rather intriguing proposition. They are, to put it mildly, exceptionally well-positioned to benefit from this ongoing metallic enthusiasm, even if the price of gold were to suddenly decide it prefers being a decorative element in a dentist’s office rather than a store of value. (Which, let’s be honest, isn’t entirely out of the question.)

You see, the Treasury Secretary, a Mr. Scott Bessent (a man who clearly enjoys wielding power like a particularly unpleasant garden gnome), decided to cancel all contracts with Booz Allen. Why, you ask? Because of a dreadful leak. A chap named Charles Edward Littlejohn, an employee of Booz Allen, decided to share tax records. Not just any tax records, mind you, but the tax records of hundreds of thousands of people. Including, rather audaciously, the tax records of President Trump himself!

The fourth-quarter results, while falling somewhat short of the breathless pronouncements of the optimists, conceal a more interesting development. The custom chip business, it seems, is not merely a palliative for declining margins, but a potentially lucrative, if somewhat improbable, enterprise. The market, of course, is awash with silicon merchants, but Intel, with its access to capital and manufacturing facilities, possesses a distinct advantage – a sort of industrial inertia that few can match.

The disparity in expense ratios – 0.39% for SLVP, 0.65% for SIL – represents a minor subtraction from potential gain, a mere tithe demanded by the custodians of this manufactured prosperity. More telling is the dividend yield. The yield, a paltry offering to the investor, serves as a grim reminder: the true wealth is not shared with those who toil in the shadowed mines, but siphoned upwards, accumulating in the coffers of those who merely hold the claim.

Look, both of these are cheapskates in the best possible way – expense ratios are practically microscopic. VCSH is giving you a little more bang for your buck in dividends, while SCHO is the cautious type – a real wallflower when it comes to volatility. Think of it this way: VCSH is doing a little jig, SCHO is… well, it’s standing very still. And as for AUM, VCSH has the bigger crowd, but popularity isn’t everything, folks. Remember Milli Vanilli?

Observe the returns. SLVP, a veritable rocket launch. A temporary madness, perhaps? Or a genuine indication of shrewd speculation? The market, of course, rarely offers straight answers. AAAU, more sedate, more…respectable. Lower fees, a larger pool of capital. One suspects a certain level of institutional comfort. But comfort, my friends, rarely equates to exceptional returns.

The numbers speak, but they whisper. VCIT offers a slightly lighter toll on your earnings and a marginally richer yield. It’s a small comfort, a few kopecks more in a world determined to take more than it gives. Remember, these are not gifts; they are the fruits of others’ labor, repackaged and sold back to us.

Beta, a measure of volatility relative to the broader market, is a curious metric. It speaks to the degree to which an investment dances to the tune of the S&P 500. The one-year return, alas, is a fleeting glimpse, a snapshot in time.

IXUS, bless its sensible soul, is demonstrably cheaper and offers a rather more generous dividend yield. One assumes this is to placate investors who’ve realized they’re playing a rather long game. Though, frankly, expecting income from these things is a bit like expecting gratitude.

Let’s cut to the chase. The numbers. They’re like fingerprints, always telling a story if you bother to look. Here’s what I found: