Chinese Tech Giant’s Desperate Tech Tango with Wall Street 😕🤖💸

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Behold, Alibaba’s cross-border merchants shall now chase nightmares of tokenization and AI subscriptions, all while clinging to JPMorgan’s dollar puppets!

Kuo Zhang, said to be a president at Alibaba.com, declared to CNBC that tokenized fiat shall “simplify” payments. A bold lie! For who but merchants in 2015 dare to ” унифицировать” (unify) anything? Meanwhile, Agentic Pay-AI’s latest masquerade-shall automate settlements with “smart contracts.” Why, it’s like asking a goat to herd lawyers! Launch date? Who needs one when you’re selling hope in algorithmic coupons?

This grand plan, which surely will make the Iron Curtain blush, targets tokenized USD/EUR while clutching JPMorgan’s tokenization stack like a savior from Babylonian debt collectors. The company, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, claims this is “not a public stablecoin”-it’s just deposits, obviously. One wonders if these deposits are written in invisible ink on Soviet-era ration cards. 🕵️♂️💸

FAQ 🧭

What did Alibaba confess on Nov. 14, 2025? – They solemnly pledged to deploy “AI subscriptions” and “tokenization” with JPMorgan’s tech. The word “stablecoin” is just a marketing cough.
How will tokenization “simplify” payments? – With tokenized fiat (digitized paper currency) and “smart contracts” (aka Excel macros with a PhD). The merchants shall rejoice-or perhaps not.
Is this a public stablecoin? – Naturally, it is. Who would trust anything less from late-stage capitalism? The fake humility is pricing stability.
When shall this utopia arise? – In five to twenty-five years, depending on shareholder morale. JPMorgan is the only confirmed attendee; the others remain in bureaucratic purgatory.

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2025-11-16 12:57