Bitcoin: We’re Number… Um… 2?

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It turns out the United States government has been quietly offloading its Bitcoin stash, because who needs a strategic reserve of cryptocurrency when you’ve got, I don’t know, actual dollars? According to a report from the U.S. Marshals Service, we’re now down to a paltry 28,988 Bitcoin units from a high of nearly 200k. That’s like going from a mansion to a studio apartment, but hey, at least the rent is cheaper 🏠.

This move has, of course, enraged the pro-Bitcoin crowd, led by Senator Cynthia Lummis, who’s been championing the cause of a strategic Bitcoin reserve. Because, you know, we can’t let China get ahead of us in the Bitcoin race 🏃‍♀️. I mean, who needs healthcare or education when we can have a bunch of digital coins?

I’m alarmed by reports that the U.S. has sold off over 80% of its Bitcoin reserves—leaving just ~29,000 coins.

If true, this is a total strategic blunder and sets the United States back years in the bitcoin race.

— Senator Cynthia Lummis (@SenLummis) July 16, 2025

The Bitcoin Stash: Because Who Doesn’t Love a Good Hoard?

It’s worth noting that the Bitcoin stash has been a major point of contention between Republicans and Democrats. President Donald Trump, in his infinite wisdom, decided to woo young crypto voters with his plans for a strategic Bitcoin reserve and clear regulatory frameworks. Because, you know, nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like investing in a highly volatile digital currency 🤪.

Now, with the potential sale of the United States’ Bitcoin stash, China is poised to take the lead in the Bitcoin race. And we all know how that’s going to end: with the United States experiencing the same kind of losses that Germany did when they sold their Bitcoin stash before the price surged above $60k. Because, you know, who needs billions of dollars when you can have the satisfaction of saying “I told you so” 😏?

Notably, the German government sold its Bitcoin stash even before the price went through the roof, thus losing out on a potential fortune. But hey, at least they can console themselves with a nice, cold beer 🍺. Prost!

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2025-07-17 01:16