Absolutely awful number-one songs of the 2000s

As a long-time connoisseur of pop music and a dedicated fan of soulful tunes, I must say that the journey of Taylor Hicks and his stint on American Idol was quite an intriguing one for me. He wasn’t exactly the best blue-eyed soul singer around, but he had a unique charm and shtick that made him stand out – much like Michael Bolton did in his day. But alas, the song they chose for him, “Do I Make You Proud,” was about as generic and sappy as it gets! It’s like giving a quirky little soul singer a plain vanilla ice cream cone instead of a scoop of rocky road.

It’s true, I must confess that penning a sequence of articles criticizing the least favored number-one tunes from each decade spanning the 1960s to the 1990s was quite entertaining. Readers appeared to appreciate them, although many took pleasure in reminding me how foolish they believed my choices were. No worries – I don’t shed tears over spilled milk. (This could potentially be hinting at a song that we might discuss soon.)

Although revisiting those once-popular, yet cringeworthy songs from the past was somewhat enjoyable, I didn’t plan on continuing the series beyond the new millennium for a couple of reasons. Firstly, these songs are relatively recent, so their significance hasn’t had as much time to shift compared to older ones. I believed that examining what their popularity reflects about the times, culture, and music industry wouldn’t be as intriguing or enlightening as delving into a completely different era.

To put it another way, what stood out to me was the limited amount of music available to use, given the smaller number of songs compared to previous decades. In essence, there were fewer tunes to choose from during that period, particularly in the late ’90s and early 2000s. Remarkably, 2006 boasted the highest number of unique number-one hits throughout that decade with 18. This figure would have been quite normal for a year back in the ’60s or ’70s.

Fantastically terrible number-one songs of the 2000s

In the 2000s, popular music followed a trend towards unification, which made the songs less diverse. However, an unusual song or unique talent could sometimes gain popularity. Unfortunately, such instances were not as frequent as they once were.

I worried that with popular music sounding increasingly similar, it might become challenging to distinguish the obvious flops from which to choose. It seemed as though the bar for what was considered bad pop might rise, while the peak of greatness might be more modest. This homogeneity could result in a less diverse and potentially less engaging selection, making it harder and possibly less enjoyable to pick out both the best and the worst.

So I was going to stop with the 1990s.

Initially, I dismissed it due to limited interest, yet inquiries persisted, leaving me intrigued enough to explore. Upon examination, my initial apprehensions were partly justified, yet there was also an element of surprise. There existed potential for remarkable masterpieces, alongside space for forgettable pop tunes. Among the forgettable tracks, some emerged from modest talent riding a trend. However, a significant portion originated from exceptional artists, whose work graced that era with some of its finest music.

It serves as a reminder that even the most talented individuals can make mistakes. For instance, on the very day I started writing this, Justin Tucker, a well-known figure in American football, missed a field goal. (For those who may not be familiar with American sports, it’s worth noting that Tucker is known for his exceptional accuracy, so missing a field goal is an uncommon occurrence.)

To put it another way, although I may not be a fan of Justin Timberlake’s music personally, I have made an effort to approach this discussion impartially. Despite my personal preferences, I won’t include any of his top three hits in the list that follows, as I understand why those songs resonated with listeners.

Contrarily, during an informal survey among friends, I discovered that many people intensely dislike “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter. However, I personally find it tolerable and wouldn’t even consider it as a contender for my least favorite songs. In fact, I have quite a few others that I believe are far more annoying than this one.

Moving forward now, let’s dive in without any special acknowledgments. Instead, let’s jump straight into the main points, whether they are positive or negative.

10. “Fireflies” by Owl City (2009)

Repeatedly going through this playlist has led me to realize that first impressions of a song aren’t always accurate, as they can change after multiple listens. For example, I originally thought songs like Sisqo’s “Incomplete” and Ashanti’s “Foolish” weren’t worth considering for the 10th spot. However, I also included “Crank That (Soul Boy)”, which is enjoyable for about 45 seconds before becoming repetitive. Upon revisiting my long list, a catchy tune by Adam Young made a strong argument for securing that final spot.

If “Fireflies” sounds like a whimsical, trivial piece of pop psychology when you hear it for the first time, don’t be fooled. Be cautious not to listen to it again, or you might find yourself suffering from a persistent mental headache and needing about an hour of music by The Clash, NWA, or System of a Down (or any band you prefer with powerful lyrics) to clear your mind of this deceptively sweet tune.

As a gamer, I find myself frequently irked by the twitchy electronic beats and whiny vocals in this song, but it’s the meaninglessness of the lyrics that drives me up the wall after multiple listens. The catchy chorus, “I’d like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly,” just doesn’t resonate with me.

How much less speedy should I make it rotate? I take it you’re aware of the consequences, correct? Or, imagine if ten million fireflies truly did leave trails of tears everywhere, what might occur?

It’s fortunate that fireflies likely don’t cry, as it wasn’t mentioned in the “14 Fun Facts About Fireflies” article I read from Smithsonian. Also missing was any reference to Adam Young or his Owl City persona. The song “Fireflies” surprisingly rose to popularity in 2009 at the end of the decade, spending two weeks at number one on the charts, which could be an interesting addition if you’re planning a Housing Bubble Crash themed party playlist – consider playing it towards the end when people might be ready to go home.

9. “All I Have” by Jennifer Lopez (featuring LL Cool J) (2003)

Jennifer Lopez achieved number-one hits in both 2001 and 2002, collaborating with Ja Rule and Murder, Inc. One of these, the 2002 song “Ain’t It Funny,” is actually quite a good tune. However, she didn’t top the charts again in 2003 with her well-known track “Jenny From the Block,” which I find to be a fun and playful piece of soft funk. Instead, it peaked at number three towards the end of 2002 but couldn’t maintain its momentum into the new year. On the other hand, a rather dull attempt at soul music helped her regain the top spot in February 2003.

One positive aspect of “All I Have” is its sampling of Debra Laws’ R&B hit “Very Special,” which unfortunately led to an unsuccessful legal battle between Laws and Sony (a joke: who knew a singer named Laws would sue Sony over some music lawsuits?). This opening sets a pleasant tone. However, LL Cool J repeats “Baby don’t go” excessively, while Jennifer Lopez adds wordless crooning to the mix. The combination feels somewhat mismatched.

Initially, Jennifer Lopez commences singing a song that seems somewhat ordinary, not particularly remarkable or poor. The rest of the track features a back-and-forth exchange between her and LL Cool J, with him pleading for her to stay while she firmly indicates she’s leaving by saying “I’m moving on, and I’m out, son.” Unfortunately, this song doesn’t allow these two artists to fully showcase their talents. Jennifer Lopez expresses her independence in a subdued manner, and I find LL Cool J less appealing as a character portrayed as groveling.

I’m not particularly fond of this tune, but I believe that Tammi Terrell and Marvin Gaye might have brought a deeper emotional impact to it if they had worked on it during their time. Their rendition could have certainly conveyed more authentic power and sorrow in its two parts.

8. “This is the Night” by Clay Aiken (2003)

I’d rather not delve deeply into how American Idol influenced American pop music during the 2000s for now; I’ll save that discussion for another time. However, it’s worth noting that during its peak popularity, Clay Aiken was the runner-up to Ruben Studdard in the second season of the show. Despite not winning, he still received an immediate release of a coronation song following the competition.

One thing to understand – American Idol coronation songs, as a general rule, suck. This one may have been the worst. Idol judge Randy Jackson certainly thought so. He said it out loud on the show. But it was released and for some reason, it went to number one. One popular theory is that Aiken’s fans, feeling so bad for him at missing the crown when it had seemed he was going to win all season, flocked to buy his first single. That’s as good a reason as any.

The melody of the song seems more fitting for a Broadway production, much like its creator. It’s quite dramatic, even too dramatic at times. This kind of chorus might linger in your mind after hearing it, yet it wouldn’t make anyone start dancing or humming along while they’re actually listening to it. It demands a powerful voice, and Aiken can deliver that, but the end result is just another uninspiring, ordinary musical number.

Allow me to rephrase that for you: In an unexpected turn of events, before Usher Raymond IV (Aiken) claimed the number one spot, 50 Cent held it briefly. Shortly after Aiken’s two-week reign, Beyoncé Knowles took over, with “Crazy in Love” dethroning “This is the Night.

Over just a few months, the same culture can transform from “In Da Club” to “This is the Night,” and then to “Crazy in Love.” This cultural shift, which often dominates headlines in 2024, isn’t something new; we’ve been experiencing such inconsistencies for quite a while. To put it bluntly, our society has been displaying signs of schizophrenia for some time now. However, the quality of “This is the Night” as a song in no way gets affected by this cultural divide. The song itself manages to shine on its own.

7. “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt (2006)

Given that I’ve previously brought up “Fireflies,” I feel it’s important to clarify my stance. I don’t have any issues with men who have emotional voices expressing their feelings. Artists like Neil Young and Passenger do this, and I appreciate it. A rising country artist from my region, Jack Wharff, has a similar scratchy voice that I believe will become popular. However, these artists are skilled at crafting poignant songs without letting their moments of emotional intensity turn cheesy. The song “You’re Beautiful” is an example of overly sentimental lyrics.

The song’s content is innocuous, yet Blunt’s unconventional singing style adds an appealing touch to it. However, when he reaches the chorus – “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, I can confirm – I spotted your face in a bustling crowd and I’m at a loss for words.” – Blunt’s voice skirts falsetto. The melody drifts along slowly, while he frequently strays into that higher pitch, resulting in more tiny eardrum fractures each time.

If you pay attention to the lyrics, although it’s not necessary, you might find yourself perplexed. Initially, it seems like a love ballad, but it transforms into a song about acceptance following heartbreak. However, upon closer examination, there doesn’t seem to be a clear narrative. It appears as if a person is pining over an attractive stranger, feeling unworthy because they believe she’s out of their reach.

The situation is already disheartening, but it seems there might be underlying factors – perhaps a past relationship – that could flesh out the narrative. However, these possible clues are brushed aside as mere lyricism, allowing Blunt to continue addressing… someone – whether it’s the woman, the listener, or himself – which remains unclear due to the inconsistent switching between second and third person perspectives.

To clarify, I’ve previously mentioned that the song “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter, a tune that seems to be disliked by many, does not feature in my playlist. It’s not the whiny voice of high-pitched males that bothers me, but rather, it’s poor quality songs that I can’t stand.

6. “Crack a Bottle” by Eminem (featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent) (2009)

I’m quite fond of Eminem, particularly his early hit albums. Some of his later work also appeals to me. However, I’d rather skip over his middle phase. When Relapse was released in 2009, it was hyped as a significant return. Unfortunately, it didn’t live up to expectations. The rapper had faced some difficult times before Relapse, and he hadn’t fully adapted to being a sober artist who used to captivate and shock audiences equally. Relapse seems like someone trying to ignite a wet match, reaching for the magic that no longer existed. It’s a challenging listen, and you can sense the strain in the tormented verses of “Crack a Bottle.

Nevertheless, Dre and 50 Cent, the two individuals instrumental in Dre’s rise and who he in turn assisted, joined forces. Similar to Eminem, they were both grappling with personal struggles, yet fans believed that their collaboration might produce some magical outcome. This belief was powerful enough to propel the song to the number one spot on the charts for a week following its debut. However, shortly after, it seemed to disappear without a trace.

The song isn’t particularly good, from its irritating introductory sound to the boasts about rape, assault, and murder in the lyrics, which is disappointing because he has shown his skills as a wordsmith in the past. It’s not that he lacked inspiration; after all, he once outshone a would-be critic with the line “You say you got me in your sights but missed – I say one call to Interscope and you’re Swayze.

2009 found me trekking through the breathtaking Patagonian landscapes, sharing the journey with a pair of young Americans who filled their downtime by testing each other’s skills in crafting opening lines for “Lose Yourself.” Not even the majestic Cerro Fitz Roy was to be tarnished with lyrics like, “Pop open a bottle, let your body stumble – Don’t behave like an arrogant model, you just struck the lottery.” Dre and 50 Cent contributed forgettable verses, and that was that.

Seven years ago, “Lose Yourself” by Eminem topped the charts. It’s remarkable that since then, there seems to have been such a significant drop in quality among artists who have had multiple number one hits, which is something we’ll soon find out as we test this assumption.

5. “London Bridge” by Fergie (2006)

It’s a bit awkward to admit this, but for quite some time, I found it challenging to tell apart Fergie’s “London Bridge” from Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl.” Occasionally, one of these songs would lodge itself in my mind – they were both incredibly popular around the late 1990s and early 2000s. As a result, I’d often find myself humming along to one song only for it to seamlessly transition into the other without me realizing it.

I wasn’t fond of either tune humming along to them as they were quite generic dance numbers trying too hard to sound feisty and modern. However, Gwen Stefani isn’t on this list, but Fergie is, partly because I appreciate the lyrics in “Hollaback Girl,” but mainly because it didn’t overcrowd its catchy rhythm with endless repetitions of men shouting “Oh my!” throughout the song. (In the radio edit, they say a different word, but I don’t think hearing multiple guys exclaiming “Oh wow” is much better.)

Moving forward, we’ve reached a section of our list that leans towards the explicit and crass. I’ll elaborate on this soon, but for now, let me clarify that “London Bridge” was intended to be sensual and alluring, yet it falls short in that aspect. Instead, it feels overly complex and has an unsmooth transition from verse to chorus. As we progress, it only becomes more puzzling and disorganized. It offers a rather shallow rhythm (which is why the backup singers are needed) and an underwhelming, tuneless melody. Even a real backup singer would agree with that assessment.

To put it simply, Fergie’s solo album debut, “The Dutchess,” produced three number-one singles, among which I particularly enjoy “Glamorous” and “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” A few years later, she became a part of Black Eyed Peas, who dominated the charts for over half of 2009 with their hits “Boom Boom Pow” and “I’ve Got a Feeling,” which I also appreciate.

Simple tunes can be enjoyable when they fully embrace their rhythmic essence, as exemplified by “Boom Boom Pow.” It’s playful, lacking depth, but quite entertaining if appreciated for what it offers. On the other hand, “London Bridge” seems rather ordinary, like an average performer trying to portray… in her own words, a promiscuous woman. Oops!

4. “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent (featuring Olivia) (2005)

“I’ll bring you to the sweet shop – I’ll let you taste the lollipop.” This is a more family-friendly version of the lyrics from 50 Cent’s song “Candy Shop,” which he describes as seductive rather than vulgar. The original lines were suggestive, but the artist clarified that they are meant to be seductive, given the context of the song.

As a music enthusiast, I’d say “Candy Shop” is a catchy beat layered with some playful sexual innuendos that could be penned by an intellectually advanced seventh-grader. This isn’t the average kid, mind you. We’re talking about a youngster who’s been exposed to plenty of rap bravado and has the wit to compose lines like “After you work up a sweat, you can play with the stick – let me clarify as best I can – I’ll melt in your mouth, girl, not in your hand.” That kind of seventh-grader.

50 Cent’s generosity seems evident as he gave credit to Olivia for her contribution on the song. Her role isn’t extensive, mainly repeating the female version of the chorus following 50 Cent’s lead. It’s more like a small part in the grand scheme.

As a gamer, I’ve got to say, that track isn’t really humming a tune, more like a string of visual symbols for… well, you know. Even 50 Cent seems a bit unenthused about it. His performance is surprisingly soft-spoken, but he claims that’s what he calls ‘seductive.’ It’s quite a change from just two years ago when he was topping the charts multiple times, even with his iconic hit “In Da Club.

As a music enthusiast, the divide between “In Da Club” and “Candy Shop” is striking, much like Eminem’s hit duo I’ve mentioned earlier. I must admit, I’m not trying to sound too conservative here. To be honest, I could groove to Bloodhound Gang tunes for an hour or so. (Although, to be fair, even I have my limits, and an entire day might be pushing it.)

Approximately a year following “Candy Store,” D4L unexpectedly reached new heights with “Laffy Taffy.” While “Laffy Taffy” may be seen as childish and explicit, it’s also playful and, in some ways, uplifting. This is similar to “In Da Club.” However, “Candy Store”? It seems more cynical than the others. And this cynicism makes its explicit content less endearing.

3. “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed (2000)

By the year 2000, rock & roll had become less prominent on pop music charts. To clarify, even though hard rock was a significant player in radio broadcast for many years, it seldom made a substantial impact on the Billboard charts. However, during the ’60s and ’70s, numerous rock songs were featured on Billboard’s top positions. In contrast, by 2000, there were significantly fewer such songs.

2000 was the year I found myself drawn to two hard-hitting rock tunes that defied genre boundaries: Matchbox Twenty’s “Bent” and Creed’s “Arms Wide Open.” These power ballads, while rooted in rock music, could have easily been classified under different genres. Yet, their respective bands gave them a rock twist that resonated with listeners like me.

Unfortunately, the path it takes leans towards excessive and vague spirituality, which lacks concrete meaning. Given that Creed was a Christian rock band who shunned the Christian rock genre title, this choice is explainable. However, it doesn’t seem to enhance the depth or significance of their lyrics.

However, what sets this power ballad apart from being just another forgettable one is the stark contrast between its seemingly inspiring message and Scott Stapp’s raw, gravelly delivery. To be clear, I am not particularly fond of those deep, grungy voices that were popular among many in the past.

I acknowledge Eddie Vedder’s skill, yet at times, I find his performance somewhat heavy or slow-moving. To be fair, Vedder, Scott Weiland, and even Brad Arnold have their moments with impressive songs. However, I question whether Scott Stapp and Creed truly excelled in that regard. Essentially, they combined the overly sincere lyrics, heavy production, and awkward sense of melody that were prevalent in grunge music with generic hard rock.

OK – you know what? “Higher” was pretty good. It was heavy, sure, but it had a sense of effervescence, maybe because you have to be just a little bubbly if you really want to get higher. But “Higher” didn’t get to number one. (And it shouldn’t have.) “With Arms Wide Open” did. And it absolutely, positively shouldn’t have. All things considered, I” take “Marlins Will Soar.” It’s shorter.

2. “Do I Make You Proud” by Taylor Hicks (2006)

In 2005, “American Idol” wasn’t something that grabbed my full attention. However, Taylor Hicks was a name I recognized when he clinched the title. Admittedly, his victory didn’t shake up my universe at the time. Looking back, it seems to me that the other contenders of that season – the ones who many music enthusiasts believed were superior to Hicks – weren’t necessarily superior. Not even Chris Daughtry, who later carved out a successful career as a pop star. Yet, I wonder if the world truly needed more Daughtry, or Katharine McPhee, Elliott Yamin, or Kellie Pickler. Essentially, it appears to me that season 5 didn’t produce any clear standouts.

Taylor Hicks stood out from the crowd, likely the reason he emerged victorious. However, his talent wasn’t particularly exceptional – there have been far more gifted blue-eyed soul singers. Yet, he possessed a unique charm. His act wasn’t dissimilar to Michael Bolton’s path to fame, which happened a few decades prior. Bolton had a more powerful voice, but that strength sometimes worked against him as he felt compelled to showcase it extensively. To compare Hicks with Michael Bolton… well, that’s not a particularly flattering comparison. Lastly, I don’t believe Taylor Hicks was destined for stardom from the start.

However, what a disservice it was to him! “Do I Make You Proud” wasn’t an ideal choice for the Idol producers in my opinion. Although it did reach number one, it had no significant impact on launching his career. On the contrary, it seemed to hinder it. This is due to the fact that they assigned a unique soul singer with a heartfelt ballad that sounded incredibly ordinary and sentimental.

As a devoted fan, here I am talking about this artist whose loyal supporters were famously known as the Soul Patrol. But ironically, in his latest release, he’s singing over familiar opening piano chords that seem to echo throughout a hundred of his songs. Gradually, the piano is accompanied by a mix of background vocals, strings, and reverberations. To prevent getting lost in the crowd, Hicks’ voice is emphasized, but there’s nothing even vaguely soulful about “Do I Make You Proud.” Instead, give a listen to Hicks’ second single – a rendition of the Doobie Brothers’ classic hit, “Takin’ It to the Streets.

This isn’t exceptionally great, but it’s the version that displays Taylor Hicks’ abilities – both positively and negatively. However, very few could pull off “Do I Make You Proud” well. Perhaps Beyoncé or Celine Dion, even Mariah Carey might have managed it… just maybe.

1. “Thank God I Found You” by Mariah Carey (featuring Joe and 98 Degrees) (2000)

Transitioning smoothly now, we arrive at the most disheartening number one song of the 2000s – “Thank God I Found You.” While I can concede that it’s the most disappointing to top the charts, given its artist, there might be a bit of leniency involved. Comparing Mariah Carey to contest winners like Taylor Hicks or Scott Stapp is hardly fair – she has more number ones than everyone else on this list put together. Her discography is filled with many remarkable songs, and it’s only natural to expect better from someone of her caliber.

As a devoted fan, let me express my feelings candidly: I’m not compelled to reclassify the song “Thank God I Found You.” Frankly, I find it rather lackluster. To be honest, I’d prefer listening to the remix featuring Nas’ rap verses, and that version is less than impressive too. Strangely enough, Mariah seems to have a minimal presence in the original song, which is a mess in my opinion. However, the remix does offer a bit of energy, albeit not enough to save it from being a forgettable track overall.

The version that went to number one does feature Mariah, but it is a sleepy Mariah. She is backed by an even sleepier 98 Degrees. I suppose Joe is OK, but I didn’t pop my quarter in the machine to hear Joe. This is a sing-song melody that tries to layer lots of voices and orchestral elements in an effort to find a spark. But even that is sabotaged by Mariah running up and down scales without much to really say. Then at the very end, it gets slow and quiet and just kind of peters out.

In the year 2000, the duo Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, who are known for collaborating with Janet Jackson, achieved a number-one hit with “Doesn’t Really Matter.” Although I’m not particularly fond of this song, I find it surprising that the same producers who breathed so much vitality into “Thank God I Found You” could create such lackluster work on another track.

Among Mariah Carey’s numerous chart-topping hits, this particular song stands as her least successful. Similarly, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis produced this track which ranks among their lowest-performing singles. In a period dominated by divas such as Beyoncé, Rihanna, Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and even Mariah herself (with countless other number ones), this song stands out as the least impressive hit from the 2000s.

2024-09-10 13:03