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One can hardly blame investors for their gloomy countenance; after all, the cap on interest rates threatens the very essence of profit margins. Should one place a ceiling upon these rates, one can practically hear the sound of calculators whirring in distress as they contemplate the implications for profitability.

1-year performance metrics are calculated using Jan. 9 as the reference date.

By day’s end, the stock had plummeted 16%, a decline so sharp it might’ve made even the most stoic tulip trader of 1637 blink. Yet beneath this volatility lies a paradox worthy of Wilde himself: a company whose assets bloomed like Oscar’s peonies in spring, yet whose shareholders wilted like dahlias in December’s frost.

A Strategist’s Ballad

The company’s stock, much like a gentleman caught in a downpour without an umbrella, has stumbled over the past four years as its growth slowed and margins shrank. Will this out-of-favor stock ever regain its former glory, or shall it descend further into the mire? A most vexing question, to be sure.

AMD and Intel, those chip-obsessed pals, surged on analyst hype about AI. It’s like they’re at a party where everyone’s pretending to know the host, even though they’ve never met. Meanwhile, Salesforce dropped 7.13%-probably because someone finally noticed it’s not the only game in town. JPMorgan Chase, that banking paragon, slid 3.99% after earnings that felt like a tax audit. Bank of America and Wells Fargo, meanwhile, were just… there, like a couch you don’t want to sit on.