Semler’s $20 Million Bitcoin Binge: The Capitalist Comedy You Never Asked For 😂

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  • The men at Semler, eager as a hungry wolf at a butcher’s window, snapped up 187 more Bitcoins for $20 million this quarter. Someone brought out the company wallet. Someone else wept, probably an accountant.
  • Now their Bitcoin chest swells to 4,636 coins—a bloated sum that stares back from the vault with a $72 million “paper profit.” If only counting money made you rich, the world would be full of emperors!
  • With the optimism of a man planning a wedding with a portrait of Vera Kholodnaya, Semler vows to amass 105,000 Bitcoins by 2027, fighting inflation as if fire were afraid of wet shoes.

Semler Scientific, that curious creature listed on the Nasdaq, whose heart is meant to beat for the sick and the suffering, has thrown itself headlong into the bitcoin maelstrom again. Reports unfurl like tattered flags—a new SEC filing, wherein we learn that between June 4 and July 2, Semler bought 187 bitcoins. Price tag? About $20 million—a sum that would feed a village for years, or one CEO’s craving for digital glory for a week. The average price they paid: $106,906. I imagine a room of men nodding, each imagining himself Tolstoy, each forgetting Tolstoy wrote about peasants.

Semler’s Hoard: More Than a Squirrel in October

Earlier this year, with bravado that would make a Cossack blush, Semler bought 455 more coins for $50 million. Average price per coin: $109,801. These are numbers that don’t warm your hands, but make your heart race and your wallet sweat.

Now, the stash stands at 4,636 bitcoins—a pile worth, if we believe the markets and not the ghosts, $502 million. Bought for $430 million, flaunted for $72 million in imaginary gains. Paper profits! In my childhood, we used paper for poetry and kindling, but what do I know?

Semler makes medical devices but, like a doctor with a side-hustle as a magician, they crave reputation in the world of digital wonders. The bosses say Bitcoin is a shield—a fortress against the greedy fangs of inflation. The plans are as ambitious as a Moscow student in spring: Semler wants 10,000 coins by the end of 2025, 42,000 by 2026, and a staggering 105,000 by 2027. Why not announce a million, and be done with it?

Climbing the Mount Olympus of Bitcoin Titans

If Semler’s dreams come true, it will stand among the corporations with the fattest Bitcoin wallets. They say this will save their coins from being eaten by the invisible monster called inflation, and maybe—just maybe—make everyone rich, like a fairy tale, except the ogres have spreadsheets.

Right now the scheme looks brilliant, at least on paper (consult your accountant before dancing). Bitcoin’s price is high, fortune seems to smile, yet old men in dark rooms—analysts, they call them—remind us it’s all as stable as a hut in a hurricane. Profit could become loss faster than a samovar boils.

Semler’s boldness unsettles the world’s money men and digital prophets, who watch and whisper. MicroStrategy—once just a software firm, now a dragon atop a heap of coins—showed the way. Semler, perhaps less dragon and more hedgehog, tries to follow.

And all the while, Semler continues its original work: healing, fixing, inventing. But now, like a doctor who nurses a secret gambling habit, it straddles two worlds—the practical art of saving lives, and the feverish game of chasing digital millions.

Will this gamble pay off, or will Semler become a cautionary tale, the Icarus of bitcoin, its wings singed by market fire? For now, eyes are fixed, popcorn in hand, as Semler bets again on digital fortune, chasing after the gold at the end of an electrified rainbow. Who knew capitalism could be so poetic? 😂🚀

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2025-07-08 00:06