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The Most Pressing Questions on Everyone’s Minds:

Apparently, this week was supposed to be as volatile as a Real Housewives reunion, thanks to all the economic data being thrown around like confetti. 🥂 And today’s big reveal? The Consumer Price Index for November, which turned out to be the economic equivalent of a “meh” emoji. 🤷‍♀️

Key Takeaways (With a Side of Sarcasm)

Kraken-backed tokenized securities platform xStocks is launching on TON Wallet, a self-custodial wallet on the Telegram messenger. Because nothing says “financial innovation” like a crypto wallet that’s basically a group chat. 📱💸

Apparently, Brett Knoblauch from Cantor has finally broken his silence, now waving a giant banner with “$72” fluttering proudly, claiming the deal is a “market waiting to happen.” Like some prophecy, if you believe in such things. The 15-year pact, good for a whopping 245 MW in Louisiana – a place not known for its icy winters but evidently perfect for AI data centers, or so we’re told. 🌞💻

Behold! Bitwise, the leading conjurer of crypto ETFs, has boldly declared its prophecies for our dear Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Solana! Despite the market’s cautious demeanor-like a shy lover at a ball-Bitwise holds firm in its belief that all three cryptocurrencies shall break their chains and soar to new all-time highs. 🕺💃

Samson took to X-because why not?-and declared, “I’ve decided to liquidate all Bitmine Ethereum holdings and pivot to a Bitcoin-only treasury strategy.” Sounds fancy, right? But really, it’s more like he’s saying, “Ethereum? Nah, I’m good.”

Singapore’s Crypto.com, a place where fortunes rise and fall faster than a hot air balloon in a hurricane, has partnered with DBS Bank, the region’s largest financial institution, to turn SGD and USD transfers into a parlor trick. By gum, they’ve even outdone Standard Chartered!