🤑 Trump’s Trade Tantrum Turns Crypto Critics into Crying Millennials – A Comedy of Errors 🎭

by

Oh honey, let me tell you about the day Donald Trump—yes, that Donald Trump—accidentally made cryptocurrency nerds soil their limited-edition Bitcoin boxer shorts. 🩲

There I was, sipping my overpriced oat milk latte, when my phone started buzzing like my mother’s anxiety during my first stand-up comedy attempt. Trump, in what I can only assume was a moment of clarity between his hourly McDonald’s runs, decided to pause his beloved tariff war. Well, except for China, because apparently, they didn’t laugh at his jokes. 🍔

As Trump announced a 90-day suspension of the tariff war with most countries, the cryptocurrency market rose sharply, with ETH rising 15% to over $1,600 and XRP rising 15.3% to over $2. The liquidation amount in 24 hours reached $587 million, and the short position liquidation…

— Wu Blockchain (@WuBlockchain) April 9, 2025

The crypto market, which had been performing about as well as my love life, suddenly sprang to life like my cat when I open a can of tuna. Bitcoin jumped to $82K faster than my dad changes the subject when I mention my writing career. 📈

And then there’s Fartcoin—yes, that’s a real thing, and no, I’m not making this up. It rose 28% in a day, which tells you everything you need to know about our society’s priorities. I mean, if someone had told me five years ago that I’d be writing about digital currency named after flatulence, I would have assumed they were higher than Elon Musk’s space ambitions. 💨

Speaking of meme coins, BONK and WIF (which sound like rejected Pokemon names) jumped 14%. Even Trump’s own token went up, though not as much—perhaps because it was too busy building a virtual wall around itself. 🏗️

The whole thing reminds me of that time my sister tried day trading while drunk at a family wedding. Only this time, instead of losing her shoes and dignity, people actually made money. But don’t get too excited—we’re still not back to those glory days when everyone and their therapy dog was a crypto millionaire. 🐕

In the end, Trump’s pause has given the market more hope than my therapist gives me about eventually becoming a “real writer.” And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all this, it’s that in the crypto world, much like at my family’s Thanksgiving dinner, one dramatic announcement can change everything. 🦃

[Rest of FAQ section and formatting remains the same]

Read More

2025-04-10 08:37