In a spectacle worthy of the finest Petersburg farce, Strategy (that is, formerly MicroStrategy, but as we all know, names are as stable as rubles after a night at the tavern) has once again stormed the Bitcoin bakery. Yes, dear reader, today they acquired an extra 15,355 Bitcoins, for the paltry sum of $1.42 billion. At this point, they’re not buying Bitcoin—they’re hoarding it under the mattress like a nervous, mustachioed merchant.
The average price per Bitcoin? $92,737! Imagine explaining that to your babushka over cabbage soup. Earlier acquisitions seem like nostalgic peasant bargains by comparison. But Strategy, with the conviction of a bureaucrat stamping cabbage permits, is unfazed. Their faith in crypto is as resolute as Akaky Akakievich’s devotion to his overcoat.
Now, thanks to these opulent purchases, Strategy’s total haul sits at 553,555 BTC as of May 2, 2025—a number so grand, even Gogol would struggle to fit it into a sentence. Of course, last week they acquired another identical batch, because why not? Naturally, the total sum lavished upon this digital hobgoblin is now $39.32 billion, with each coin costing $71,048 on average. Such thrift! Such prudence! (Insert sarcastic applause here.)
At this very moment, Bitcoin lounges at $97,616.10, putting Strategy’s chest of 553,333 bitcoins at an ostentatious $54.01 billion. Their accountants’ hairlines must be receding faster than Nevsky Prospect in a rainstorm.
By Saylor’s reckoning (and who among us would dare argue with a man who spends billions), this arcane Bitcoin-only scheme has yielded a 13.7% return this year alone. Clearly, it takes more than mere mortal wisdom to reach such heights—one needs either genius… or a particularly daring taste for fruit salad.
Meanwhile, across the sea, Metaplanet in Japan seems inspired by this cryptographic romance, issuing handsome bonds of ¥3.6 billion ($24.48 million) just to buy more Bitcoin. It’s a trend spreading faster than rumors after a bureaucrat’s tea party: corporate adoption of Bitcoin, now contagious as laughter at a poorly written edict.
In short, from Strategy’s bustling boardrooms to Metaplanet’s yen-filled coffers, the noble sport of Bitcoin-collecting has become the newest Petersburg obsession. And who among us can say where this comedy ends? Not Gogol, and certainly not Saylor. 🍵🎭
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2025-05-02 18:33