You’ll Never Guess What Happened To Bitcoin After the Fed Blinked at Inflation 👀🚀

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Scarcely had the newsboys ceased shrieking the latest financial trivialities into the April smog before society’s favorite digital trinket, Bitcoin—wreathed in cryptographic glory and delusions of grandeur—found itself up a few points, like a dowager buoyed by her fourth martini. The CPI, that perennial party-pooper, registered a tepid 2.3%—a figure so unimpressive that even economists managed not to faint from excitement. Naturally, Bitcoin, always quick to interpret world affairs as personally flattering, strutted past $103,500 as if it had singlehandedly invented disinflation.

Monetary Policy Tipsy, Markets Giggling into Handkerchiefs

On Tuesday, amid much clattering of teacups at the Bureau of Labour Statistics, came the revelation: headline inflation for April stumbled in at 2.3%, rather than the 2.4% predicted by the usual cast of experts (bless their hearts). It’s the third consecutive month of inflation behaving with unexpected decorum. The Core CPI (which generously excludes anything remotely interesting like lunch and electricity) performed with the reliable dullness of a tax inspector, clocking in at 2.8%.

U.S. CPI: +2.3% YEAR-OVER-YEAR (EST. +2.4%)
U.S. CORE CPI: +2.8% YEAR-OVER-YEAR (EST. +2.8%)

— Tree News (@TreeNewsFeed) May 13, 2025

Raw excitement about tariffs—Washington’s favorite parlour game—remains a tetchy topic. Prophesied as the probable ruin of Western civilization, the new tariffs on the Chinese bazaar seemed to leave most Americans unbothered, except for those forced to pay five dollars more for toasters or tablets. Rumors of rampant inflation have yet to drift far beyond the Home Appliances aisle at Target.

Bitcoin’s Slightly Bumpy Ascent: A Play in Three Acts

The world’s most theatrical asset, having briefly tripped over its own shoelaces after the CPI figures, regained composure and finished the scene trading at $103,656, with an intraday performance measured at 1.10%—modest by Bitcoin’s standards, which usually involve fireworks or spontaneous combustion. The digital coin has pirouetted nearly 10% higher for May (so far), with analysts gazing starry-eyed at $104,000, while muttering about resistance levels with all the urgency of a Palm Beach fortune-teller. $106,000, the next milestone, looms temptingly—though one suspects Bitcoin, like a Hamptons debutante, might prefer to arrive fashionably late.

Meanwhile, the CME FedWatch tool (the oracular Monopoly board of monetary policy) pegs the likelihood of rate stagnation at 88.6%, a modest retreat from 91.8% before the CPI report. In plain English: the market is marginally less convinced that the Federal Reserve will sit on its hands at their June soirée—rate cut enthusiasts may now permit themselves a weak smile and half-hearted jazz hands.

Backstage, President Trump, no stranger to gentle encouragement (“CUT RATES, OR ELSE!”), has been urging the fiercely independent Fed to loosen monetary policy before tariffs sink the ship and Junior’s steak tartare goes up another 30 cents. However, Chairman Powell, ever the prudent banquet guest, insists he’ll refrain from action until the dessert course, or, failing that, until the economic indicators justify a trip to the punch bowl.

And so, the theatre continues: Bitcoin ascends, inflation cools, and the audience—ever hopeful—clutches its pearls and waits, as always, for the next act.
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2025-05-13 19:55