You Won’t Believe What These Florida Teens Did For $4 Million In Crypto 😱

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So, picture this: three Florida teens, barely old enough to rent a car but bold enough to try and steal more crypto than your local NFT influencer makes in a decade. That’s right—according to reports, this high school production of “Ocean’s Eleven” went down like a matzoh ball at a gluten-free brunch.

We’ve got two 16-year-old masterminds from Pasco County. One’s sitting on a pile of bail higher than the combined net worth of everyone at my last family Seder—four million bucks! The other? House arrest. Yes, because nothing says “danger to society” like eating frozen pizza while staring at an ankle bracelet that cost the state $99.99. The third? Poof! Disappeared faster than my last box of bagels. Interpol, call your mother!

The heist kicked off after a crypto event—because of course there was a crypto event. And nothing bad ever happens after a crypto event, except for this. Our three musketeers spring from the shadows, kidnap the victim at gunpoint, and then take him on a lovely 70-mile joy ride into Arizona. Forget Route 66; try Route OMG. 🌵🛣️

Once in the middle of nowhere—think “if a cactus falls in the desert, does it make a sound?”—the boys get all dramatic and threaten the poor guy’s life. “Give us your passwords or else!” Is this a robbery or an IT department onboarding session?

The victim caves (I mean, who wouldn’t?), and they siphon off millions in crypto and every NFT this side of a Bored Ape. With their digital loot in hand, our youthful villains dump the poor fella out in the desert and speed away, probably patting themselves on the back and yelling “To the moon!”

After a five-mile trek—so basically, his Fitbit exploded—the victim staggers into a gas station and manages to call a friend. “You’ll never believe what just happened, but hold my crypto wallet…”

Police suspect there’s a mysterious fourth accomplice, the brains on the other end of a speakerphone, guiding this operation like a dollar-store Bond villain. No identity yet…but I smell a sequel. 🎬

The FBI is now involved. Because when teens start pulling heists worthy of a Martin Scorsese remake, you call in the big guns.

All this is part of a growing trend—violent crime meets cryptocurrency, sort of like if Al Capone had a Coinbase account. Just this year, a French crypto boss got snatched up for ransom (he was rescued, but only after some drama that made “Mission: Impossible” look like an afternoon nap), and Malaysia’s also had its own crypt-astrophe (rimshot) with kidnappings, ransom, and—let’s face it—way too many uncles still at large.

To wrap it up with a depressing stat and a shrug: There’ve been 21 old-school, IRL crypto robberies in 2025 already. Which proves one thing—no matter how high-tech we get, you still can’t fix good old-fashioned greed. Or Florida.

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2025-05-12 12:18