You Won’t Believe What Sent Bitcoin Soaring—And Trump’s Involvement Might Shock You!

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Once again, Bitcoin appears poised to ascend Olympus (or at least the New York Stock Exchange concourse) with a gusto reminiscent of last week’s salad, staring down the prospect of another all-time high. This fresh surge seems triggered by the latest spectacle in that endless Punch and Judy show—the US and China trade talks. Students of cryptocurrency will have noted the flagship coin’s sassy leap beyond $104,000, right after Donald Trump emerged somewhere between Geneva and Wonderland to pontificate on his “good meeting” with the Chinese delegation.

Donald Trump—Peacemaker, Crypto-Whisperer, Lunch Enthusiast

According to a Truth Social missive (that well-respected forum for international statecraft), Trump assured the world that he’d enjoyed a “very good meeting” in Switzerland with our friends from China—though whether they all clinked glasses or simply exchanged polite loathing isn’t clear. The affable president insisted all manner of astounding agreements had been reached, all conducted in a spirit he described as “constructive” (which, translated from Trumpian, means fewer thrown bread rolls than usual).

Eager to sound the horn of progress, Trump mused—doubtless between golf swings—that China really ought to fling open its doors to American business. Perhaps next week the Great Wall will be retrofitted with Starbucks kiosks. Once more, deep and meaningful progress has allegedly been made, which coincidentally always seems to be the case until the part where it isn’t.

Of course, any actual deal remains as elusive as a functional fax machine in the White House. CoinGape reported that the trade scuffle’s first round has ended in glorious indecision, with more chinwagging planned. US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Trade Rep Jamieson Greer allegedly prepare to represent America’s interests—one assumes armed with a PowerPoint and a prayer.

Never one to waste a potentially market-moving anecdote, Bitcoin shot past $104,000 after Trump’s happy telegram. The mere possibility that Washington and Beijing might collaborate over lunch is now apparently bullish news for crypto assets, small dogs, and anyone who left their Coinbase login open by accident.

Nate Geraci, who moonlights as an ETF store president (just what sort of store is this, one wonders?), chipped in: Bitcoin now eyes $105,000, possibly even an all-time high. Astounding! This, he notes, is certain to catch the discerning eye of institutional money—because if there’s one thing institutions love, it’s not missing a bandwagon. Geraci promised to watch ETF flows assiduously, no doubt with all the suspense of a cricket match rain delay.

Analysts Foresee ATH—And More Unintelligible Graphs 📈

Elsewhere in the peanut gallery, the aptly self-christened Titan of Crypto declared to his X followers (Twitter simply became too retro, one presumes) that a Bitcoin bullish crossover now approaches with the inevitability of a reality TV reboot. Apparently, the MACD has gone bullish on the weekly chart—a revelation greeted in analyst circles with the giddy excitement reserved for accountants at a spreadsheet convention.

The Titan ominously noted that the “momentum is shifting”—a phrase which here apparently means “the price keeps going up.” Judging by his elaborate chart (which, as ever, features more lines than a Soho nightclub toilette), Bitcoin might swagger its way to $135,000 in the coming weeks. Not to be outdone, CoinGape’s own star analyst piped up, predicting an imminent jaunt past $120,000—should it pirouette successfully above $105,000, presumably with a flourish and a bow.

And so, the global audience waits, popcorn at the ready, while Bitcoin, Trump, and the international economic establishment keep swapping the conductor’s baton and sometimes the sheet music. Will Bitcoin moon? Or merely catch the next cable car to inevitable disappointment? Tune in for the next exciting episode… 🚀🕺

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2025-05-11 04:43