Extra! Extra! Read all about it—because frankly, you might as well be entertained while your net worth rollercoasters. Buckle up for the three wildest crypto shenanigans of the day, brought to you by U.Today (who else would put up with this?). 📰💸
No More XRP Reports? Ripple CEO’s Plot Twist!
Hold onto your wallets, folks, Brad Garlinghouse is back with another episode of “How Many Ways Can We Annoy the SEC?” In a surprise twist worthy of a daytime soap opera, Ripple’s esteemed bossman decided the XRP Markets Report was much too simple—let’s spice it up!
“Instead of quarterly snoozefests,” he says, “we’ll scatter juicy bits all over your feed. Blog posts! Social media! Maybe smoke signals if the WiFi’s down!” 🔥
Apparently, these reports—which started in 2017 on the noble quest for transparency (allegedly)—got “weaponized” by the SEC. (That’s right, folks, not even your quarterly PDF is safe from government intrigue.) Did these brave disclosures prove XRP is about as decentralized as Mel Brooks’ haircut? The debate rages on. 🎬
Coinbase CEO Unplugs the Mute Button: Talks Stablecoin Law
Yesterday, May 6—please mark your calendars for this historic utterance—Brian Armstrong, CEO of Coinbase, rolled onto X (that’s “Twitter” to everyone else) and bellowed: “Hey Senate! Get off your behinds and pass the GENIUS Act already!”
This bill is designed to give stablecoin issuers rules, because, apparently, “making it up as we go” is frowned upon somewhere. The plan? Federal licenses, enough reserves to avoid another FTX meltdown, and dual authorities (federal if you’re big, state if you’re tiny—so it’s a sitcom waiting to happen). 📜🏦
The U.S. Treasury says stablecoins might rocket from $230 billion to $2 trillion by 2028, which means regular banks are sweating through their pinstripes. Seriously, bankers haven’t been this nervous since they had to explain crypto to their grandkids. Lawmakers? Quick! Do something before everyone heads to the beach for August recess. 🏖️🍹
Shiba Inu: Is That Extra Zero About to Be History?
You want meme magic? SHIB’s got you. The canine coin is this close to kicking off another zero, and its online fan club can barely contain themselves. There it was—shining momentarily at just four zeros—until it slipped back like a comedian on a banana peel.🐕🍌
But don’t you dare give up on the underdog. At printing, SHIB’s at $0.00001275, up a whopping 1.55% in the last 24 hours. Sure, it’s not “buy a yacht” money, but you can gloat in a group chat. And historically, May is the month SHIB likes to party: an average 61% boost over four years, plus a bonkers 355.4% jump in May 2021 (and 13% last year, but who’s counting?). Also—token burns! Maybe not as exciting as Mel Brooks’ blazing saddles, but they could add a little more zip to our favorite meme pup.
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2025-05-07 20:19