You Won’t Believe What Bitcoin Did While Ethereum Was Out Shopping for Shoes

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If you’ve ever watched the crypto market and thought, “Wow, this is just like my family over Thanksgiving—awkward, unpredictable, and no one knows what’s going on,” then congratulations, you’re ahead of the curve. Over the past 24 hours, the price action in crypto was what experts technically refer to as “meh.” Bitcoin, Solana and their shy cousin Cardano are hanging out in the red, while Ethereum and Ripple are channeling their main-character energy and moonwalking upward. Bitcoin (BTC), of course, continues to do what it does best: disappoint everyone who thought they were early and shock everyone who was actually early (and is now on a yacht somewhere). BTC flirted with $119,000, but like me at a middle-school dance, ultimately panicked and retreated to $117,060. As of now, BTC is down 0.22% and sulking around $118,119, which is almost enough for a loaf of bread in San Francisco.🍞

Ethereum (ETH), the overachieving younger sibling, is up over 1%, insisting that it’s heading for $4,000, if only Bitcoin would get out of the bathroom. XRP is bouncing up by 0.6%. Solana is down over 1%, around $181, and Dogecoin (DOGE) is down a little, probably because Elon’s Twitter fingers are busy elsewhere. Cardano (ADA) is drifting at $0.787—which sounds impressive until you realize that’s not even a good tip at a New York coffee shop. Stellar, Chainlink, Hedera, and Polkadot also sported that “declining stocks” look. On the bright side, Litecoin and Toncoin are up, waving from their ski lodge in Switzerland. 🏔️

SEC Gets Funky with In-Kind Redemptions

Here comes the SEC with a fresh new policy! The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission just announced in-kind creation and redemption for crypto ETPs. What does that mean? Basically, now, instead of just getting cash, authorized folks can exchange ETP shares directly for actual crypto, assuming you trust anyone who uses the phrase “authorized participant.” Paul Atkins, the SEC chair, claims this will make trades “cost-effective and efficient.” Which is adorable, because “efficient” and “crypto” are often only found together in fantasy novels.

“It’s a new day at the SEC…” (Translation: They bought a Keurig.) “…In-kind redemptions mean more savings and flexibility! Now the market can be even more efficient!”

If you ever wanted to redeem your ETF shares and get a pile of chilly bitcoins instead of—God forbid—US dollars, now’s your chance. Just remember to resist the urge to immediately spend them all on NFTs that will be worth $0 by next Saturday.

Rakbank Lets UAE Residents Trade Crypto, Mom’s Still Not Impressed

Meanwhile, in the United Arab Emirates, Rakbank took a break from approving car loans to become the first actual bank in the UAE to let retail customers buy, sell, and swap crypto. All right inside their mobile app! CEO Raheel Ahmed said,

“We recognize the ~opportunity~ clout this gives us. And you deserve a regulated, effortless journey into crypto—entirely in AED [dirhams]!” (That’s right: local currency. In case you’re allergic to conversion fees—or have trust issues with international transfers.)

The service is powered by Bitpanda and processed by a Dubai entity so official-sounding you’ll want to check twice if it exists. The upshot: UAE customers buy and sell coins faster than I bought Beanie Babies in 1997. Unfortunately, my Beanie Babies are now all worthless, so fingers crossed, crypto friends!

Coinbase Sues German Guy for the Domain, Because That’s How We Roll

File this under “You can’t make this stuff up.” Coinbase is taking a German cybersquatter to court over coinbase.de, probably because “coinbase.biz” was already being used for a lost dog registry. Coinbase claims Tobias Honscha nabbed their domain to direct users to an app trading real, physical coins. (The kind you could put in a sock and use as a self defense weapon.) Allegedly, Tobias is also holding out for a major payday. Coinbase’s lawsuit drips with high drama:

“This is a clear attempt to hold Coinbase hostage by threatening to offload it to a buyer who would weaponize it even more.”

Imagine someone weaponizing a domain name. Next up: Fortnite skins as weapons in actual warfare. “Sorry, your honor, that is a Legendary URL, and I was just trying to get paid.”

Saylor’s Strategy Buys 21,000 Bitcoins Because Why Not?

Michael Saylor, aka “Bitcoin Maximalist At Large,” is back at it. His company, Strategy, bought 21,021 BTC huddled together in a cozy, Bitcoin-shaped bed, funded by a $2.5 billion public offering. Who knew you could buy that much fake internet money using real money from people who probably once bought Enron stock?

STRC, their hot new preferred stock, was issued at $90 a pop; people lined up like it was a Supreme drop. Now Strategy owns 628,791 BTC. Saylor’s company has adopted the “buy more through any financial instrument that’s not strictly illegal” strategy. Will it pay off? Maybe. Saylor’s the reason why “diamond hands” is in the dictionary. 💎✋

Bitcoin (BTC): As Exciting as a Pancake Eating Contest at a Vegan Convention

BTC is ranged tightly between $115,000 and $120,000, grinding along while the market waits for the Fed to decide if they’re about to bless us with lower interest rates, or just keep quietly panicking about inflation. Meanwhile, President Trump is pressuring Fed Chair Powell because, apparently, interest rates are decided like prom king elections now. There’s talk of tariffs, drama, and speculation so spicy you’d think the Federal Reserve was a Real Housewives reunion show.

BTC’s “bullish setup” is as intact as a latte art leaf after you run for the bus. Investors are “cautious,” which means every time someone sneezes, the price drops $1,000. Break $120,000 and we might actually see fireworks; fall below $114,000 and BTC’s pattern gets invalidated, which is possibly the first time “Bitcoin” and “invalidate” have been used appropriately in the same sentence. Sellers and buyers are playing tug-of-war, but so far sellers are winning because they hit the gym more.

Ethereum (ETH): Still Trying to Outshine Big Brother

Ethereum is feeling itself this month after breaking $3,000 and tap-dancing to a local high of $3,941. But every time it nears $4,000, the market says, “easy there, tiger.” Still, it’s found a comfy spot at $3,800 where the bulls refuse to let go—seriously, someone check if they’ve glued themselves there. Tremendous institutional interest means treasury companies are hoarding ETH like it’s canned goods before Y2K.

“ETH treasury companies have even more growth potential than BTC ones from a regulatory arbitrage perspective. Soon, 10% of all ETH will be held by accountants with very expensive glasses.”

SharpLink and BitMine are buying it up, possibly to sell it all and move to Portugal. Meanwhile, ETH’s trading activity reads like a typical teenager—up, down, up again, a brief existential crisis on Wednesday, and then refusing to clean its room.

Solana (SOL): The Hangover After a $200 Party

Solana had its moment, breaking $200, then refusing to call an Uber and sliding back below $180. Analysts think it’s a “healthy” correction, which is analyst-speak for “don’t panic, but maybe panic a little.” SOL’s holders are now mostly just breaking even, according to their SOPR metric—the crypto equivalent of getting exactly the calories you burned on your FitBit. The bull-bear index is also trending down, making it less of a power index and more like a power nap.

The weekend saw SOL try to rally, then get tired and sit back down. If crypto were high school, SOL is the kid who aced their first test and now just wants to sneak out for lunch. 🍔

Dogecoin (DOGE): The Meme That Just Keeps Woofing

DOGE had a good weekend, busting out a 14% rally and then, naturally, falling apart as soon as Monday rolled around. (I feel you, DOGE.) After surging to $0.274, it gave up most gains once retail traders realized “dog” wasn’t short for “actual investment.” Wednesday nearly killed it: down 12% in a single session, but somehow it’s still above $0.21, barking hopefully at the moon. 🐶🌑

Uniswap (UNI): Someone Call a Therapist, It’s Not Doing Great

UNI had a solid Friday, up over 13%. Then Monday happened, markets got cold feet, and now UNI is down almost 2%. It’s trying to hold onto $10 like me clutching the last donut in the breakroom, but just keeps slipping. Maybe some positive affirmations would help?

Filecoin (FIL): Attack of the Weekend Sellers

Filecoin started last week feeling pretty good about itself—maybe it had a green juice. But Tuesday brought a slap in the face, dropping to $2.75. That kicked off a downward spiral, until someone, somewhere, remembered how to buy and FIL rebounded. Too bad Monday arrived like an ex at a wedding, dragging prices down nearly 6%. Sellers are still in control, and at $2.52, FIL is hoping one day someone will remember why they liked it in the first place.

And that, friends, is your whiplash-inducing crypto roundup. While you’re figuring out whether to buy, sell, or just call your mom and explain what a blockchain is for the fourth time, the markets will assuredly continue doing whatever it is they do best: chaos, drama, and the occasional meme-fueled miracle. 🚀

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2025-07-30 18:13