Now here’s a tale to curl your whiskers. Michael Saylor’s outfit, which used to go by the name MicroStrategy till they got a whiff of destiny, has wrangled itself a pile of unrealized Bitcoin gains nudging $5.8 billion and is riding a so-called “BTC yield” of 13.7%. No, that’s not the percent chance of Saylor remembering his Twitter password—it’s their year-to-date performance. Not too shabby, unless your hobby is coveting the neighbor’s gold-plated potato peeler.
“We’re positively tickled to see a 13.7% BTC Yield and have already bagged over 90% of our 2025 target,” crowed Andrew Kang, the Chief Financial Wizard. “Between the wild stampede in markets and our operation running smoother than a Missouri ferry boat, we’re hoisting next year’s goal up to 25%.”
No word yet whether he celebrated by buying a hat made of solid bitcoin.
Kang added they’d like their ‘BTC Gain’ to grow up big and strong—$15 billion’s the new dream. Set your sights high, boys! That’s the spirit Twain’s aunt Polly would recommend, if she dabbled in cryptocurrency and whitewashing balance sheets.
$MSTR shouts from the rooftops: 13.7% BTC Yield, $5.8B in magical Bitcoin gains for the year so far, and for good measure, let’s double our capital nonsense to $42B each in equity and fixed income (for buying, you guessed it, more shiny bitcoin). Targets for 2025? Why not make them bigger while we’re at it! Upgrades all around.
— Michael Saylor, hitching his wagon to the stars, May 1, 2025
How Their Cunning Plan Fared
They let off a $21 billion stock offering like fireworks on the Fourth of July, snapped up over 300,000 chunks of Bitcoin, and sent MSTR’s share price hopping up like a frog out of a frying pan—up 50% in one quarter. If you find yourself impressed, remember: even a blind pig finds an acorn sometimes.
But nature abhors an uninterrupted winning streak. The firm took a $5.9 billion thump to its digital wallet thanks to Bitcoin finishing the quarter as limp as a river cat in August. Their total revenues sagged a bit—$111 million, down 3.6% from this time last year—proving even in the crypto world, gravity still exists.
Bitcoin itself slipped 12% during the first three months (must’ve tripped on its own shoelaces), though since then it’s found its feet and climbed back a decent 4% since New Year’s.
Somewhere in all this befuddling math, Strategy latched onto a brand new accounting rule, swearing on their ledgers that marking things “fair value” at the end of the quarter is the honest way to do it. I suppose it’s honest so long as no one asks too many questions.
“We no longer stretch the numbers all quarter long—we just measure right at the end, like weighing your fish only after it’s cooked,” Kang quipped at the earnings call.
“The Q1 unrealized loss stung a mite, but now BTC is up to $97,300, and we’re staring down an $8 billion gain, at least on paper,” he continued—probably while biting his nails in anticipation of Q2’s next surprise.
Not to be outdone by themselves, Strategy jacked up their capital deployment plan to a knee-knocking $84 billion, splitting it equally between equity and fixed income (which, translated, means: “let’s buy so much Bitcoin we need a new metaphor for it”).
According to their own tall tales, they now sit on 553,555 BTC—about $54 billion worth—and a 42% unrealized profit. Let’s just hope they checked under all the couch cushions for loose bitcoin.
The Wild West of Crypto Earnings
Elsewhere in this digital gold rush, Kraken hooted, hollered, and showed off a 19% spike in revenue, hitting $472 million. Exchange trading volume went up 29%, and funded accounts trotted upward by 26%. No word if actual krakens were involved.
Riot Platforms, who I assume are mining Bitcoin with the same energy as a steamboat captain facing a river full of piranhas, brought in $161 million this quarter, doubling their haul over last year—103% to be exact, but who’s counting?
Then there’s Tether, the reliable old stablecoin workhorse, who clopped in with a cool $1 billion in profit and a $5.6 billion pile of extra reserves, because you never know when you’ll need to buy another horse.
And that, friends, is how fortunes are made, lost, and made again in the grand Mississippi of cryptocurrency. Don’t try this at home, unless your local sheriff takes bitcoin for bail.
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2025-05-03 00:23