In the Discworld of finance, where the Guild of Alchemists and Venture Capitalists juggle gold coins and spreadsheets, market cap is the ultimate litmus test for a company’s worth.¹ It’s not enough to be good; you must be legendary, or at least have a logo that screams “I am larger than life.”
Among the titans of this realm-eleven, to be precise-stand the Magnificent Seven, Broadcom, Berkshire Hathaway, and the mystical Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing. The latter, however, is said to trade in a land where camels outnumber humans and the stock ticker is written in hieroglyphs.²
Last week, Oracle, that old dragon of databases, nearly hoarded a trillion-dollar treasure. It flapped its wings, breathed fire across Wall Street, and then retreated, leaving investors clutching their hats. But the Discworld being what it is, another contender lurks in the shadows: Walmart, the humble grocer with a secret weapon.
Oracle’s Near Miss and the RPO Riddle
On the 9th of September, Larry Ellison’s company delivered a quarterly report so fiery it could’ve roasted a dragon.³ Oracle’s Remaining Performance Obligations (RPO)-a term that sounds like a spell from the Unseen University of Coders-jumped 359% to $455 billion. For a moment, the market cap shimmered at $982 billion, only to retreat like a dragon who’d forgotten it was daytime.⁴
The cause? A flurry of contracts with OpenAI, xAI, Meta, and Nvidia-names that sound like they belong to a band of wizards. Oracle’s Cloud Infrastructure (OCI) segment, which rents out AI compute power like a medieval blacksmith lending out his forge, is projected to grow at rates that make a squirrel’s acorn hoarding look modest.⁵
Yet, as the Discworld’s Disciples of Diligence will tell you, Oracle’s recent earnings misses (three out of four quarters) have left investors wary. It’s like trusting a dragon not to eat you after it’s already nibbled on your gold.⁶
Walmart: The Humble Hero of the Trillion-Dollar Race
While Oracle basks in the glow of its digital pyrotechnics, Walmart quietly tills the soil of the everyday. With a market cap of $825 billion, it’s only 21% away from joining the trillion-dollar club. But how? By selling groceries, of course-though not in the way you’d expect.
Consider the Great Trumpian Tariff, a spell that’s raised inflation like a conjurer’s hat trick. While most retailers squirm, Walmart thrives. Its bulk purchasing power is the economic equivalent of a griffin’s talons: sharp, unyielding, and terrifying to competitors.⁷
And let’s not forget Walmart’s embrace of technology. Its Walmart+ subscription service and AI-driven supply chains are the Discworld’s answer to a wizard’s apprentice who’s finally learned how to light a candle. E-commerce sales are up 25%, and the U.S. online arm is now profitable.⁸
In a world where the Unseen University of Coders teaches dragons to code and the Guild of Alchemists debates the merits of blockchain versus alchemy, Walmart’s strategy is refreshingly human. It’s not about being the flashiest or the loudest; it’s about being the one who knows where the cheese is.⁹
So, as Oracle flaps its wings and Walmart loads its shopping carts, one thing is clear: the next trillion-dollar stock might not be the one you’re betting on. But then again, in the Discworld of finance, anything can happen-just don’t forget to buy a fireproof wallet. 🔥
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2025-09-16 10:17