Right. Walmart. Another earnings report. Honestly, it’s all a bit… exhausting. Like dating someone who keeps promising to change, then just buys more beige furniture. They reported earnings, yes. Up 5.6% revenue, a shiny 24% bump in e-commerce (everyone’s doing that, aren’t they?). And the share price? Down 1.4%. Predictable. It’s always something.
Units of Optimism Lost: 7. Hours Spent Refreshing Stock Charts: 6. Number of Times I Considered Taking Up Beekeeping: 3. It’s just… the sheer volume of data. They made $190.7 billion. It’s a number that feels vaguely obscene, isn’t it? And yet, it wasn’t enough. Apparently, Wall Street wanted more. They always do.
The thing is, everyone’s pretending to be surprised by the “cautious guidance” for next year. 3.5%-4.5% growth. Adjusted earnings per share of $2.75-$2.85. Oh, the horror! As if a massive corporation isn’t going to be… cautious. It’s like being shocked that a cat prefers to land on its feet. Analysts, of course, were expecting, what, world domination? $2.98. The audacity.
It’s all about the ‘choiceful spending’ now, apparently. That’s what their CEO, John Furner, said. ‘Choiceful.’ As if people are deliberately selecting to be financially stressed. It’s a clever way of saying “poor people have less money,” though. They noticed the gains were coming from people earning over $100,000. Who knew? The people with disposable income actually spend it. Groundbreaking.
And the lower earners? Wallets stretched, naturally. As if anyone needed a report to tell them that. It’s the same story every time. A slight wobble in the economy, and suddenly everyone’s pretending to be shocked that people can’t afford artisanal avocado toast.
They tried to reassure everyone, of course. “Prudent,” said the CFO, John David Rainey. “Constructive on the economy.” It’s always “prudent” and “constructive.” It’s corporate speak for “we’re bracing for impact.” He mentioned hiring recessions, lower consumer sentiment, student loan delinquencies. It’s a litany of doom, really. But delivered with a smile and a powerpoint presentation.
They’re trying to compete with Amazon, which is… ambitious. Like trying to outrun a cheetah on roller skates. They’re doing okay in e-commerce, and their advertising business is growing (46% annual growth – impressive, I suppose, if you ignore the ethical implications of targeted advertising). And the Sam’s Club and Walmart Plus memberships are up 15.1%. It’s all about getting people to pay a monthly fee for the privilege of being marketed to, isn’t it?
But here’s the thing. It’s a massive company. And massive companies don’t grow fast enough to justify the valuation. The price-to-earnings ratio is 44.3. Higher than the Nasdaq-100 (34.4) and the S&P 500 (27.6). It’s like paying a premium for… stability? In this economy? Good luck with that.
I think I’ll just stick to index funds. And maybe take up beekeeping. It feels… less stressful.
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2026-02-25 17:05