US Secret Service Nabs $400M in Crypto—Do You Even Know Where Your Bitcoin Is?

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So, apparently, the US Secret Service has seized almost $400 million in crypto. Four. Hundred. Million. Dollars. Yeah, those are numbers I can’t even pretend to have under the couch cushions, believe me! All because of “online fraud”—which, let’s be honest, is just another way of saying people think the internet is an ATM machine with no fees. 🕵️‍♂️💸

The bigwigs at the Secret Service’s Global Investigative Operations Center—get a load of that name, it’s like they’re auditioning for the next James Bond movie—have been using blockchain analysis, open-source tools, and “thorough” investigative methods. Okay, sure. Maybe they’re just scrolling Reddit like the rest of us and calling it intelligence work.

Tether and Coinbase Tag Team with Feds to Spoil the (Crypto) Party

See, Bloomberg says a lot of this $400 million is from clamping down on “fraudulent investment platforms.” Translation: people handed over their life savings to what might as well be a guy named VladCrypto69—and, surprise, VladCrypto vanished into the digital mist. Who could’ve seen that coming? 🙄

So who’s helping the government out? Big players like Coinbase and Tether, that’s who. They’re providing “blockchain insights”—which could mean anything from super-secret data to just forwarding scam emails. They help freeze suspicious wallets, which, by the way, is just a fancy term for locking you out faster than your gym membership when your credit card bounces.

There was one huge operation—they froze $225 million in USDT. You know what the scam was? Romance-investment. Someone steals your heart and your life savings! Hey, dating is hard enough without getting your wallet stolen too, am I right? These scams in 2024 really went for the grandparents, which feels like punching down, but I guess crime doesn’t have a conscience.

Paolo Ardoino, the CEO over at Tether, says they’re all about transparency and helping law enforcement. Hey, nothing says “trust us” like a cryptocurrency company bragging about compliance, am I right? 😂

“We’re setting the standard for compliance in digital assets”—Tether’s CEO. Hasn’t everyone who ever said this also had a secret offshore account?

Meanwhile, Americans reported losing $9.3 billion (that’s billion with a B) in crypto scams in 2024. Yeah, but hey, at least our collective stupidity is up. Internet crime losses? Half of it was crypto! I mean, if you’re looking for a silver lining: at least it wasn’t NFTs this time.

Supposedly, the share of crypto tied to crime is dropping. Which I guess means more people are losing money the honest way—by just buying bitcoin at the top? In 2023, illicit activity was 0.86% of all transactions; now it’s 0.4%. So celebrate! The criminals are becoming a smaller piece of an enormous pie. (But the pie—still enormous.) 🥧

TRM Labs says the top crypto crimes are Scams/Fraud, Sanctions, and getting Blocklisted. Is it just me or does “blocklisted” sound like the most boring crime ever? Like your grandma’s email spam folder, but with more billionaires.

So sure, crypto crime is “declining,” but, spoiler: the crooks aren’t exactly retiring to Florida. They’re switching it up—exploiting new loopholes, moving faster than you can say ‘Web3.’ The Secret Service is now training people around the globe, because apparently crime doesn’t confine itself to office hours, or even time zones.

So, end result: the Secret Service will keep chasing shadowy figures in hoodies, Tether and Coinbase will keep patting themselves on the back, and the rest of us will keep asking the only question that matters—did anyone ever actually cash out, or is my crypto wallet still just a sad reminder of 2021?

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2025-07-06 13:11