Alright, settle in, folks. You’ve come to the right place if you’re tired of your money just…sitting there. Like a schnook. We’re talking about dividend hunters, the financial equivalent of vultures… but classy vultures. Now, this Cathie Wood… she’s a character. Some say her fund’s performance has been…let’s just say, less than stellar. Like a Yiddish mother trying to parallel park. But every so often, she stumbles upon something with potential. And we, my friends, are here to sift through the rubble. Today, we’re looking at two stocks she’s backing that might actually make you enough to buy a decent pastrami on rye. Don’t get your hopes up. We’re talking about Robinhood Markets (HOOD 4.31%) and Roku (ROKU +2.49%).
1. Robinhood Markets
Robinhood. The name alone conjures images of a benevolent outlaw, right? Except instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, they’re letting you gamble away your life savings with zero commissions. It’s progress! They’ve democratized finance, which is a fancy way of saying they’ve made it easier for anyone with a pulse and a smartphone to make spectacularly bad investment decisions. But hey, who are we to judge? The commission-free model is genius. It’s like a magician distracting you with one hand while picking your pocket with the other. And the app? So user-friendly, even I could use it. And believe me, that’s saying something.
Their numbers? Not bad, not bad at all. Revenue up 52% last year? That’s like a Borscht Belt comedian getting a standing ovation! $4.5 billion? Enough to buy a small country… or a really big pickle. And net income up 33%? Oy vey, that’s a good sign. A very good sign. They’re even expanding into things like prediction markets and tax filing. Tax filing! Now there’s a thrill ride. It’s like watching paint dry, but with potential penalties.
Now, let’s be honest, this stock isn’t cheap. 34 times forward earnings? That’s like paying for a hot dog at a baseball game. Highway robbery! But they’re growing, folks, growing! And all those young investors, glued to their phones, trading crypto? That’s a goldmine. A volatile, unpredictable goldmine, but a goldmine nonetheless. Plus, they’re diversifying. Less reliance on crypto means less chance of a complete meltdown when Dogecoin inevitably crashes. And that, my friends, is what we call a smart move. A very smart move. This could be a winner. Or it could be a disaster. But what’s life without a little risk?
2. Roku
Roku. The name sounds like a Japanese chef, doesn’t it? But instead of slicing and dicing fish, they’re slicing and dicing the streaming market. They’re one of the leaders in connected TV, which is impressive, considering they’re going up against giants like Amazon and Google. It’s like a little David facing a bunch of Goliaths… except David has a really good remote control. Their strategy is simple: get their devices into as many homes as possible. It’s a network effect. The more people using Roku, the more attractive it becomes to streaming services, and vice versa. It’s a beautiful, self-perpetuating cycle… until someone invents a better remote control.
Last year, revenue grew 15%. Not bad. Not bad at all. They even turned a profit! After years of losses, they’re finally in the black. It’s like a character in a tragic play finally getting a happy ending. And streaming hours are up 15%? People are watching more TV? Stop the presses! Their platform revenue, which is mostly advertising, is growing faster than their device sales. That’s a good sign. It means they’re making money from ads, not just selling hardware. It’s like a comedian getting paid for jokes, not just showing up on stage.
Over the next 10 years, device sales will become less important, and platform revenue will become more important. That’s a good thing. It means they’ll have higher profit margins. And as streaming continues to capture a larger share of television viewing time, Roku will benefit. It doesn’t matter which streaming platform wins. Roku will benefit regardless. It’s like a bookie taking bets on a horse race. He doesn’t care which horse wins, as long as people are betting. So, if you’re looking for a stock that could deliver above-average returns, Roku might be worth a look. Just don’t blame me if it doesn’t. I’m just a dividend hunter, after all. And dividend hunters are notoriously unreliable.
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2026-03-09 16:13