Two Stocks (That Won’t Immediately Ruin Your Life)

The market, as those who partake in its mysteries claim, is currently exhibiting symptoms of… enthusiasm. A dangerous condition, that. Hype, largely fuelled by the belief that little boxes filled with lightning can solve all of existence’s problems¹, has inflated valuations to levels that suggest someone forgot to tell the price it’s supposed to reflect reality. This leads some to sensibly hide under a rock. Others, however, are determined to play the game, even if the house always wins.

A more… pragmatic approach is to seek out companies that haven’t yet succumbed entirely to the delusion. Two such entities, currently exhibiting a degree of… reasonableness, are CVS Health and Merck. If you happen to have two hundred units of the local currency kicking about – and let’s be honest, who doesn’t have something they’ve misplaced the memory of acquiring? – these might be worth a glance.

1. CVS Health

CVS Health, after a period of being somewhat… uninspired, has recently experienced a resurgence. A jump of 77% in the last cycle of the sun is noteworthy, though it merely brings them into the same room as other, slightly less moribund corporations. They’re projecting revenues of at least 400 billion units in the coming cycle, which is… a large number. Though suspiciously similar to the number they projected in the previous cycle. The subtle art of standing still while claiming to be moving forward, you see.

The clever part, if you can call it that, is that they’re actively reducing certain operations, specifically a unit involving the provision of comfort to those entering their twilight years. It generated revenue, yes, but at a cost that would make a dragon blush. Lower sales, they claim, will lead to stronger… margins. A euphemism, naturally, for squeezing more out of less. They expect earnings to grow at a respectable rate, which is to say, faster than the rate at which politicians break promises. Currently trading at a mere eleven times forward earnings – a bargain in a world where companies are valued on the sheer force of optimism – and with shares hovering around 81 units, a paltry 200 units will secure roughly 2.5 of them. A fractional ownership, naturally, but in this economy, who expects anything more?

2. Merck

Merck has encountered a few… complications. Their star performers – a cancer treatment and a vaccine against a rather unpleasant ailment – are beginning to show their age. Competitors are actively attempting to unseat them, crafting new remedies explicitly designed to challenge their dominance. A perfectly reasonable endeavor, one might think, if one weren’t invested in the existing remedy. Sales of the aforementioned vaccine have also dipped, due to… logistical difficulties in a distant land. The details are, shall we say, complicated, involving tariffs, bureaucracy, and the occasional dragon.²

Despite these setbacks, Merck persists. They’ve launched a new treatment for a condition involving elevated pressure in the lungs, and are projecting revenues exceeding a billion units. They’ve also acquired a promising candidate that could revolutionize the flu vaccine market. A bold claim, naturally, but in the pharmaceutical industry, hyperbole is considered a key performance indicator.

They’re also working on a new formulation of their cancer treatment, designed to fend off the aforementioned challengers. A defensive maneuver, to be sure, but in the world of corporate warfare, offense is often just a more expensive form of defense. Shares trade at a modest 11.6 times forward earnings, and currently sit at 109 units apiece. Not a fortune, but enough to suggest that Merck hasn’t yet succumbed entirely to the madness.

¹ These ‘little boxes’ are, of course, powered by algorithms of questionable morality and an insatiable appetite for data. But that’s a story for another time.

² Dragons, it should be noted, are surprisingly adept at navigating complex trade regulations. Their scales provide excellent protection against paperwork.

2026-01-24 17:12

1. CVS Health

2. Merck

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