The crypto beasts stirred from their slumber on that fateful Sunday, roused by the blaring trumpet of imperial decree. The Orange Tsar himself had spoken – through the sacred scrolls of Truth Social, no less – promising manna from tariff heaven. “Trillions!” he proclaimed, as if the zeroes alone could erase the nation’s sins. Two thousand pieces of silver for every plebeian (except, naturally, the Pharisees of Wall Street). The peasants rejoiced, for they remembered the COVID indulgence of yore.
Ah, but the Supreme Soviet lurked in the shadows, sharpening their quills to dissect this tariff theology. Would they bless this economic alchemy? Would they dare question His Authority? The market held its breath, caught between hope and the familiar stench of bureaucratic betrayal.
The Digital Gulag Reacts
Like prisoners hearing rumors of amnesty, the crypto rats scurried. Bitcoin clawed its way back to $103,000 – still bearing the whip marks from its recent beating. Ethereum limped past $3,500, while Solana, that perennial show pony, pranced about $160. The CoinDesk Index twitched upwards, a death-row inmate smiling at his last meal.
The market’s optimism was touching in its desperation. After weeks of Stalinist purges, even this thin gruel tasted like caviar. Traders whispered of new rubles flooding the system, though whether they’d be allowed to keep them was another matter entirely.
Stimulus Checks: The Sequel Nobody Wanted
The comparisons wrote themselves. COVID stimulus had been the original sin – that moment when the state’s printing presses became the people’s slot machines. Bitcoin multiplied like loaves and fishes, Ethereum ascended like the Virgin Mary, and the altcoins… well, they were the drunk uncle at the wedding feast.
Some self-proclaimed prophet called “Money Ape” (because of course) declared this tariff scheme “stimulus with extra steps.” The peasants would get their crumbs eventually, and like good little capitalists, they’d gamble it away on digital bean-counting. The circle of life continues, comrade.
On the digital samizdat of X, the true believers were already drafting their five-year plans. “Rocket fuel!” they cried, ignoring the fact their last rocket had crashed into the moon… or was it a ditch? With ETFs now blessed by the Party and the Orange One himself nodding approvingly at crypto, what could possibly go wrong?
The People’s Dividend: Fact or Fiction?
Let us not count our chickens before they’re sent to the gulag. This glorious dividend exists only in the fever dreams of a Truth Social post. To become reality, it must run the gauntlet of Congress – that den of vipers where good ideas go to die. No legislation exists. No votes are scheduled. But since when has reality stopped a good rally?
The market, ever the optimistic fool, chose to believe. Because in this asylum, hope is the last currency that never inflates.
Gulag Gazette: Crypto Edition
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Interrogation Chamber
Why is crypto rising like a phoenix from the ashes?
Because prisoners will grasp at any straw, especially one dipped in tariff gold.
Why such optimism about another empty promise?
After years of abuse, traders have developed Stockholm syndrome.
Could this really be stimulus 2.0?
Da, but first you must stand in queue for 17 hours to receive your digital ration card.
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2025-11-10 08:23