Trump’s Crypto Chums Get Green Light: Banking on Blockchain or Balderdash?

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A new crypto bank has sauntered onto the scene, Erebor by name, bankrolled by a coterie of tech magnates including Peter Thiel-a chap whose political affiliations are about as subtle as a bull in a china shop. Freshly anointed by U.S. regulators, this venture aims to plug the hole left by Silicon Valley Bank’s dramatic exit stage left. One wonders if they’ll succeed or merely join the rubble. 🦚

Erebor: Now With 10% Less Chaos (Maybe)

Their charter application claims they’ll cater to the “innovation economy”-a phrase that sounds like a Silicon Valley butler serving canapés to robots. 🤖 Their target clientele? Crypto enthusiasts, AI overlords, defense contractors, and manufacturers. A cozy cocktail party waiting to happen.

A source whispered to the Financial Times that Erebor’s mission is to be “stable, low-risk, and reliable,” which is either a bold bluff or a miracle on par with turning water into wine. 🍷 “No undue risk,” they say! How quaint.

Regulators gave them a tentative thumbs-up this week, four months after their application crash-landed on bureaucratic desks. This aligns with the administration’s grand plan to make America the crypto capital of the world-or at least a slightly less regulated one. 🌟

OCC: Open for (Crypto) Business, Sort Of

Despite Erebor’s political pedigree, a spokesperson insisted there was “no special treatment.” Of course, because nothing says impartiality like a bank approved four months after submitting paperwork. 🚀

Adam Cohen, Erebor’s legal architect, recently swapped law firms for the OCC’s ivory tower. OCC head Jonathan Gould hailed Erebor as his first conditional approval-a feather in his cap, or a ticking time bomb? 🕰️

The bank’s $275 million war chest is mostly locked away as regulatory capital, which means founders will soon go begging for more funds. Expansion plans, anyone? 👀

Senator Warren’s Warning: Cue the Alarm Bells

Senator Elizabeth Warren, never one to mince words, labeled Erebor a “risky venture” with all the charm of a tax audit. 🚨 She fears another taxpayer-funded bailout, which would be ironic if it weren’t so predictable.

Stablecoins? Oh, Erebor plans to embrace them, thanks to the Trump administration’s sudden epiphany about crypto regulations. One wonders if they’ve also discovered fire and the wheel. 🔥

Leadership includes Owen Rapaport (CEO), a crypto-software wizard, and Mike Hagedorn (President), a Valley National Bank alum. Let’s hope they’re better at banking than predicting the weather. ☔

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2025-10-16 12:31