Trump’s Crypto Chaos! 🤯

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Ah, President Trump, that great impresario of international intrigue! 🎭 His latest pirouette upon the stage of global trade has, naturally, sent the cryptocurrency markets into such a tizzy that one might think Bitcoin itself had developed a sudden, desperate craving for smelling salts. Let us dissect this delightful drama, shall we?

Following last week’s grand declaration – a ‘Liberation Day,’ no less, though one suspects the liberated were primarily tax collectors – Bitcoin embarked on a rollercoaster ride so thrilling, it makes the Matterhorn look like a gentle pony ride. 🎢 One almost expects a chorus line of digital coins to break into song.

The weekend, alas, was as dull as a teetotaler’s Tuesday, with Bitcoin languishing between $82,000 and $84,000. But fear not! Sunday evening brought the delightful spectacle of decline, culminating in a Monday plunge to a five-month nadir of just over $74,000. Oh, the humanity! 😭

And then, as if orchestrated by the gods of mischief, came the threat of 104% tariffs against China. One can only imagine the frantic scribbling of economists and the clinking of abacuses. But wait, there’s more! A pause on tariffs for everyone else, save China, whose tariffs were jacked up to a staggering 125%. The suspense is simply unbearable! 😲

Bitcoin, bless its volatile heart, responded with pumps and dumps worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy. The brief respite from tariffs sent it soaring from under $77,000 to over $83,000, buoyed, perhaps, by favorable CPI data. Alas, the ascent was short-lived, and Bitcoin now finds itself back where it started, like a tipsy gentleman who’s wandered into the wrong drawing-room. 🥴

Ethereum, meanwhile, has suffered a fate so dire that one almost feels compelled to send it a sympathy card. Down 13% on the week, having erased seven years of gains, it’s the very picture of crypto despair. XRP, DOGE, and their ilk are similarly afflicted, while PI, OKB, and HYPE seem to be enjoying a rather vulgar display of success. Such is the capricious nature of fortune! 🤑

Market Data

Market Cap: $2.7T | 24H Vol: $118B | BTC Dominance: 60.6%

BTC: $82,450 (-0.2%) | ETH: $1,568 (-13%) | XRP: $2 (-5.5%)

This Week’s Crypto Headlines You Can’t Miss

ETH/BTC Collapse Isn’t the End: Analyst Sees Silent Rebuild. Yes, Ethereum’s recent performance has been less than stellar, plunging to $1,400 and losing 77% of its value against BTC since 2021. But fear not, dear readers, for an analyst spies a comeback! One trusts it will be a comeback worthy of a standing ovation. 👏

Settlement in Sight? Ripple and SEC File Joint Motion to Stay the Appeal. The saga of Ripple versus the SEC continues, a veritable legal soap opera! Though Ripple’s CEO declared victory weeks ago, the case lingers like a persistent cough. But lo! A settlement may be on the horizon. One hopes it will be more entertaining than most legal proceedings. 👨‍⚖️

Largest BTC Inflow Since 2022 Hits Accumulation Wallets: CryptoQuant. In the wake of the tariff turbulence, long-term Bitcoin holders have been accumulating with the fervor of magpies collecting shiny objects. The largest inflow in over three years! One can only imagine the smug satisfaction of these digital hoarders. 💰

Charles Hoskinson Predicts Bitcoin Could Hit $250,000 by End of 2025. Ah, predictions! So often wrong, yet so irresistibly entertaining. Charles Hoskinson, ever the optimist, believes Bitcoin could reach $250,000 by the end of next year. One wishes him the best of luck, and perhaps a good fortune teller.🔮

Ripple Shelves IPO Plans Even After SEC Lawsuit Closure, Says President at Paris Blockchain Week. Despite the (supposed) closure of the SEC lawsuit, Ripple has no immediate plans to go public. However, they have announced a $1.25 billion acquisition. A game-changer, they say! One hopes it involves fewer lawyers and more champagne.🥂

Arthur Hayes Suggests Fed or China’s PBOC Will Spark Bitcoin Boom. Arthur Hayes believes the next Bitcoin boom will be ignited by either the US Federal Reserve or the People’s Bank of China. A battle of the central banks! One can only hope they remember to invite the rest of us to the party. 🎉

Charts

This week, we have a chart analysis of Ethereum, Ripple, Cardano, Binance Coin, and Solana – click here for the complete price analysis.

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2025-04-11 19:28