Tokyo Tycoons Bet the Farm on Bitcoin—You Won’t Believe What Happened Next! 🚀

by

On the twelfth of May, within the stuffy confines of yet another Tokyo morning—murmuring subways, endless convenience store banners—Japanese investment firm Metaplanet, not content with pedestrian pursuits like bonds or sushi futures, announced a seductive courtship with Bitcoin that left the financial salons in a mild state of palpitations (and one intern reportedly fainting near the espresso machine).

With a flourish bordering on the theatrical, Metaplanet acquired a delightful 1,271 BTC, spending a mere $126.7 million. This brought their total hoard to 6,796 BTC, which sounds suspiciously like the winnings from a Faustian wager or a poker game gone sideways. All this was delivered to the populace, not by a prophet nor by a talking cat, but by CEO Simon Gerovich—who, with the aid of a medium known as “X” (in another life: Twitter), revealed the price per coin stood at an eyebrow-raising $102,119. The total spend so far? About $608.2 million, with an average cost one might call “subprime real estate”—$89,492 a pop. 🤑

The Spoils and the Schemes

Metaplanet’s internal accountants, who must by now be capable of calculating in their sleep, keep their eyes feverishly glued to a mystical measure called “BTC Yield.” This, we’re told, tracks percentage increases in Bitcoin per share, and—lo and behold—yield for 2025 had already combusted to a dizzying 170% before anyone could finish a cold can of Boss Coffee.

The frantic pace would perhaps exhaust even Woland, for Metaplanet’s appetite grows by the week. Days before this spectacle, they’d gobbled up 555 BTC, and in April, their Bitcoin escapades involved four separate buys totalling 18,586 BTC. March? Why, only six purchases—just 18,925 BTC. Each buy more ambitious than the last, as if possessed by a golden demon with a talent for cryptocurrency spreadsheets.

All this acquisition did not come from under plush couch cushions. Metaplanet, ever resourceful (the financial world’s Behemoth), raised funds through bonds and something called stock acquisition rights. Most recently, the “13th Series of Ordinary Bonds”—which sounds suspiciously like an avant-garde jazz album—netted $25 million. 💸

The firm is now galloping toward its holy grail: 10,000 BTC by the end of 2025. Yet, ambition never sleeps—Metaplanet’s grand design is a biblical 21,000 BTC, or enough to make Satoshi Nakamoto blush and El Salvador’s president pace the palace. For those keeping score, they claim 68% completion of their 2025 goal, with triumph in their eyes and (perhaps) panic in their ledgers.

This fevered announcement did not go unnoticed. The oracles at Google Finance watched, mouths agape, as shares leapt by 4.96%, now trading at ¥550.00—a sum that, depending on exchange rate and mood, can buy between four and seven bento boxes.

Rivals and Revelations

The financial peanut gallery has begun comparing Metaplanet to Strategy (whose name, curiously, sounds like something a tipsy consultant might mutter at a bar). Blockstream CEO Adam Back—a man with opinions as bold as Metaplanet’s trades—contends Metaplanet is outfoxing their rival with a metric he calls “months to modified NAV cover.” According to Back, Metaplanet “doubled” its Bitcoin gains in three months, whereas Strategy needed nineteen. Back goes so far as to suggest share prices could climb from 533 yen to a thrilling 1,340 yen—assuming, of course, Bitcoin doesn’t pull a disappearing act like a conjurer’s coin. 🎩✨

Gerovich, unbowed and possibly already shopping for a new yacht, pointed out that Metaplanet now holds more Bitcoin than El Salvador—the sovereign nation famous for adopting Bitcoin and for pupusas. The CEO’s victory lap was posted on X:

“From humble beginnings to rivaling nation-states, we’re just getting started.”

For now, El Salvador must console itself as the sixth-largest nation-state Bitcoin holder, sitting glumly with 6,714 BTC (roughly $642 million)—but hey, there’s always next quarter, or the next bull market, or some divine intervention.

The moral? If you ever tired of kabuki, sushi, or sumo, turn your gaze to the Tokyo Stock Exchange—where Metaplanet, with a twitch of its velvet paw, is trying to outplay the world itself in the ultimate Bitcoin cabaret. 😏

Read More

2025-05-13 07:03