Three Investments to Outwit the August Market Panic

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The S&P 500 (^GSPC) and Nasdaq Composite (^IXIC) wear their all-time highs like a well-dressed man with a hidden knife. Up 106.6% and 68% since January 2023, they’ve turned complacency into a national pastime. Yet here we are, August’s ghost of corrections past whispering in the ears of the jittery. But fret not, dear investor-there’s no need to overhaul your portfolio like a man who blames his umbrella for the rain. Let’s instead consider three investments that turn market anxiety into a profitable game of cat and mouse.

Chevron (CVX), Coca-Cola (KO), and the Global X Nasdaq 100 Covered Call ETF (QYLD) are not merely stocks and funds. They are the financial equivalent of a sturdy umbrella, a Swiss Army knife, and a magician’s sleight of hand. Let’s dissect their virtues with the precision of a tax auditor and the wit of a man who’s seen three revolutions.

A Dividend All-Star: Chevron’s Oilfield Ballet

Scott Levine (Chevron): When the price of West Texas Intermediate plunges 16%, the average investor’s imagination turns to smoke. But Chevron? It’s less an oil company and more a ballet company in oil boots. Its Tengizchevroil project in Kazakhstan isn’t just a cash cow-it’s a symphony of free cash flow, expected to churn out $5 billion in 2025 and $6 billion in 2026. One might say the company has turned Kazakhstan into a piggy bank with a very long tail.

And let’s not forget its acquisition of Hess-a move so smooth it makes a burglar’s getaway car look clumsy. By 2025, Chevron expects $1 billion in annual cost synergies, which is just a fancy way of saying “we’re squeezing more money out of this lemon than the lemon itself.” For nearly four decades, Chevron has handed out dividend raises like a benevolent uncle at a family reunion. With a payout ratio of 69.4% over five years, it’s a company that knows how to balance generosity with fiscal discretion. In other words, it’s the kind of stock that makes you wonder why anyone ever invented the word “panic.”

Coca-Cola: A Soda Giant’s Beverage Alchemy

If you thought the Nasdaq 100 (^NDX) was a rollercoaster, meet its more sophisticated cousin: QYLD. This ETF doesn’t just ride the market-it waltzes with it, selling covered calls like a tightrope walker balancing on a string. Its 13.8% trailing yield isn’t a typo-it’s a dare. In 2022, when the index plunged 33%, QYLD paid $2.19 in distributions. A financial tightrope act with a safety net made of premium income.

Here’s the secret sauce: QYLD buys the Nasdaq 100 and sells out-of-the-money call options, pocketing premiums like a con artist who’s actually a mathematician. The result? A strategy that underperforms in bull markets but dances through bear markets with the grace of a seasoned ballroom dancer. It’s the financial equivalent of a hat that’s both a parachute and an umbrella. Practical? Yes. Elegant? Absolutely.

And so, dear reader, whether you choose Chevron’s oilfield ballet, Coca-Cola’s beverage alchemy, or QYLD’s derivative waltz, remember this: the market’s August panic is but a storm in the financial sea. With the right investments, you’ll be sipping champagne while others are bailing water. 😉

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2025-08-21 13:34