This Is HUGE: Trump Hints at ‘Biggest Ever’ Trade Deal, Crypto Speculators Lose Their Minds

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If there’s one thing that can set the international financial scene scurrying for shelter faster than a waiter announcing, “Sorry, we only take cash,” it’s the usual circus act known as Donald Trump, US President Extravaganza (one night only, unless re-elected). Word on the bewilderingly complicated street is that Trump is winding up for a “big announcement,” and you know what that means: men in suits pretending they understand tariffs, crypto fanatics clutching their hardware wallets, and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent desperately wishing he’d called in sick.

Seventeen Countries, One Stubborn Holdout, and an Entirely Predictable Headache

Trade negotiations, also known as “Tariff Top Trumps,” are heating up faster than a sidewalk in July. Mr. Bessent, who has the unenviable job of explaining economics to politicians, says 17 out of 18 Very Important Trade Partners are in the room. As for the 18th, well, it’s China, of course—and they’ve RSVP’d “maybe” on the world’s diplomatic Evite.

The secret is out—sort of. Walter Bloomberg (allegedly not a gnome in disguise) blew the metaphorical whistle on X, revealing that Trump is bartering his way toward a trading bonanza; meanwhile, the other countries are looking for the “returns counter.”

In front of the House Appropriations Subcommittee—a group that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing—Bessent all but winked at the cameras, confirming that serious negotiating is ongoing and a Big Deal™ is around the corner. Spoiler: China’s still not coming to the party, but everyone else is bringing snacks.

“Trade deals coming soon—maybe even before the news cycle finds something shinier,” Bessent declared, bravely risking the wrath of the gods of economics.

In the meanwhile, India got so enthusiastic it tossed out a “large concession,” giving everyone else FOMO. Expect new deals to resemble hastily-assembled IKEA furniture: functional, but will definitely wobble.

No one knows the details—because, this being international diplomacy, why ruin things with clarity? Still, rumour has it that US-imported stuff may soon cost less (hooray!), except possibly for those things you actually want. Some imagine the US and UK will soon embrace over cheaper steel and cars. Cheerio and tally-ho, etc.

Crypto: Where Mild News Is Treated as a Meteor Strike 🚀📉

Meanwhile, the crypto markets reacted with their usual restraint—that is, they panicked spectacularly. Bessent’s hint of a “major announcement” did precisely what you’d expect: trading volumes soared to $23 billion and Bitcoin yawned and managed a 1% price bump, which in crypto terms is the equivalent of a polite nod.

Everyone is waiting for news, poised like cats at a mousehole. The Kobeissi Letter, which sounds suspiciously like a wizard’s newsletter, cryptically intoned: “It’s not about trade. It’s about something else.” Ominous! Or perhaps just Tuesday.

And just as everyone was squinting at the market, real news broke: India and Pakistan had a literal missile moment. Crypto fans collectively broke out in a cold sweat, since, as one “Crypto TA King” warned, nothing crashes the market like countries lobbing missiles at each other. Wars and blockchains: a love story.

Still, should Trump finally get China to pick up the negotiation hotline, expect every Bitcoin maximalist to start chanting and waving their cold storage devices. If nothing else, it’ll make the market jump around, and at least that keeps things interesting. 🏏💥

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2025-05-07 02:40