Tether’s Monumental Q1: Billion-Dollar Profits, More Wallets Than Humans?

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Behold! In the curling nebulae of the cryptoverse, Tether—oh, that plump plutocrat among stablecoins—has devoured the first quarter of 2025 with positively gluttonous profits. The figure? Something north of $1,000,000,000. For lesser mortals, that’s enough zeroes to fund an army of mediocre poets or send several small planets into existential therapy.

One must picture some bespectacled CFO—unironic tie, suspiciously manicured fingers—proudly unleashing a Q1 attestation smelling of ink and hubris. The numbers are there: billions in operating profits, most of them earned from the sedate world of U.S. Treasuries. Wall Street shakes, gold blinks, and the cryptoverse yawns, per usual, in a fit of volatility reminiscent of a caffeinated squirrel.

Tether, ever fond of a little flexing, parades its treasury: $98.5 billion in T-bills (yes, billion, dear reader, not a typo), $6.3 billion lounging in money market funds, and $15 billion moonlighting as the world’s most committed overnight reverse repo agreements. Presumably, none of these assets have ever heard the words “bear market” uttered aloud.

“In a quarter marked by market turbulence, Tether delivered record-breaking results that further underscore the company’s financial strength and growing global relevance. [Tether] reached an all-time high of total exposure in U.S. Treasuries approaching $120 billion, including Treasuries’ indirect exposures from Money Market Funds and reverse repo agreements.”

And yet, as if flexing balance sheets were not enough, Tether’s digital child, USDT, has multiplied like rabbits on Red Bull, adding $7 billion to its circulating supply and attracting forty-six million new wallets. Wallets, wallets everywhere—far more than the number of stylish hats at a Nabokovian soirée. 👜

A footnote for bureaucratic connoisseurs: Tether, no longer a cryptographic renegade, now submits itself to regulatory dreamweaving in El Salvador, the first country to keep Tether under digital lock and legislative key. One wonders if passports are stamped in blockchain… or just existential dread.

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2025-05-02 21:01