SoFi: A Perfectly Reasonable Gamble

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SoFi Technologies. The name itself sounds like a minor deity in a forgotten pantheon, or perhaps a particularly efficient brand of cleaning fluid.1 It’s a financial concern, of course, rapidly accumulating influence in a sector where influence is measured in fractions of percentages and the ability to convince people they need things they absolutely do not. They’re doing rather well, you see, which is, frankly, unsettling. One expects such growth to be accompanied by at least three minor plagues and a noticeable increase in the price of turnips.

The question isn’t whether to consider allocating a modest sum – let’s say a thousand dollars, a figure roughly equivalent to the cost of a decent wizard’s apprentice these days – but rather, what sort of fool wouldn’t?2

The Numbers, or Why Accountants Dream of Sheep

SoFi reports a ‘net revenue’ of 3.6 billion units of currency in the last cycle.3 It’s up 38% from the previous cycle, which, if you think about it, is suspiciously close to the rate at which garden snails multiply under ideal conditions. They now boast 13.7 million customers, a number that’s terrifyingly close to the population of several small kingdoms. A million new users were added in the last quarter, presumably lured in by promises of slightly less complicated debt. Both the fees they extract and the interest they collect are growing at a rate that suggests they’ve discovered a fundamental law of economics previously unknown to the Guild of Alchemists and Venture Capitalists.

They’re firing on all cylinders, which is a worrying metaphor when applied to financial institutions. And, naturally, they’re dabbling in cryptocurrency and blockchain, because if there’s one thing the world needs more of, it’s digital ledgers maintained by people you’ve never met.

A Perfectly Sensible Risk

The stock currently trades at a forward price-to-earnings ratio of 36.2. A high number, certainly. But consider this: everything is overpriced. A loaf of bread costs more than a small dragon egg these days. Therefore, a seemingly elevated valuation is merely a reflection of the general absurdity of existence. With a thousand dollars, you could acquire approximately 47 shares, a stake large enough to feel marginally less helpless when the inevitable market correction occurs.

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The momentum, you see, appears sustainable. They’re actually making a profit, which is a novel concept in certain circles. Adjusted net income is projected to rise 72% in the next cycle, to 825 million units of currency. That’s enough to build a moderately sized castle, or at least bribe a few particularly influential tax collectors.

And between now and 2028, adjusted earnings per share are expected to increase at a compound annual rate of 40%. This is precisely the sort of relentless growth that makes sensible people deeply suspicious, but also occasionally wealthy.

1 The Unseen University of Coders maintains that the name is derived from a complex algorithm involving the Fibonacci sequence and the average lifespan of a housefly, but their explanations are rarely coherent.

2 One should always consider the inherent risks of investing in anything, including but not limited to: rogue weather patterns, unexpected goblin invasions, and the sudden devaluation of enchanted seashells.

3 ‘Units of currency’ are, of course, a social construct designed to facilitate trade and obscure the true cost of things. A chicken, for example, is worth considerably more than any number of shiny discs.

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2026-02-13 23:44