Sirius XM: Seriously?

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So, Sirius XM. Satellite radio. Honestly, it’s just…a commitment. Like a timeshare, but for music and Howard Stern. And for years, it’s been a terrible investment. Five years of decline. Five! You buy a stock, you expect it to, you know, not consistently lose money. It’s not asking too much. And then, Thursday happened. A 9% pop. Nine percent! Like they suddenly figured out how to transmit signals. It’s infuriatingly…unexpected.

Look, I’m not saying it’s a turnaround. I’m saying it’s a momentary pause in the inevitable descent. They posted “encouraging” results. Encouraging? It was a 0.2% revenue increase. 0.2%! My toaster oven has more dramatic quarterly gains. But apparently, in this market, that’s enough to get people excited. It’s like lowering the bar until it’s lying flat on the ground and then celebrating the high jump.

They’re talking about a low valuation, a high yield. Fine. But the yield isn’t the point. The point is, you’re betting on people being stuck in their cars, too annoyed to cancel their subscription. It’s a hostage situation disguised as entertainment. And I’m supposed to be happy about this?

Life is a Highway (and I’m Stuck in Traffic)

They claim they’re “in the right place at the right time.” What does that even mean? The market’s rotating out of tech stocks? So now we’re rewarding mediocrity because everyone else is overvalued? It’s… illogical. And frankly, insulting. They had six consecutive quarters of declining revenue. Six. That’s not a blip; that’s a pattern.

Okay, they added 110,000 subscribers. Good for them. But 80,000 of those were tied to some upselling scheme where you get a free app for a companion. A companion! So, they’re essentially giving away the product to get people to sign up. It’s like a loss leader, but for boredom. And they expect me to see this as a positive? It’s… manipulative.

And the churn rate? “Historic low of 1.4%.” Historic! Like it’s some monumental achievement. It just means people are forgetting they have it. Or they’re afraid to deal with the cancellation process. Which, knowing Sirius XM, is probably deliberately designed to be as Byzantine as possible.

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Slow Ride, Take it Easy (I’m Not Convinced)

Cheap. That’s the word they’re using. Cheap. As if cheapness automatically equates to value. The shares are trading at 7 times forward earnings. Okay, fine. But what are those earnings based on? Wishful thinking? And the 4.8% dividend yield? It’s a band-aid on a gaping wound.

They’ve increased their quarterly distributions eight times in nine years. Impressive, I guess. But they held pat last year. Pat. Like they were waiting for something to break. And they’re earning almost three times their dividend. So, they’re basically hoarding cash. What are they saving it for? Another disastrous quarter?

Their guidance for next year is “flattish.” Flattish. That’s the best they can do? After years of decline, the goal is… stagnation? It’s profoundly depressing. They’re targeting $8.5 billion in revenue and $2.6 billion in adjusted EBITDA. They have to round down from last year’s performance to hit that. It’s like setting the bar lower and lower and then acting surprised when everyone clears it.

And then there’s Berkshire Hathaway. They own more than 37% of the company. Which means Warren Buffett is either a genius or he’s making a very, very expensive mistake. I’m leaning towards the latter. He’s probably just bored. Or he’s trying to prove a point. It’s all very unsettling.

Let me tell you a joke. A gold bar, Sirius XM, and a store specializing in lockboxes walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Well, it’s about time the safe havens got here.” It’s funny, right? Because it’s true. Sirius XM isn’t a growth stock; it’s a place to hide your money when you’ve given up on everything else. And honestly? That’s a little sad.

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2026-02-06 18:12