Silver and platinum prices have decided gravity is for losers, rocketing up by 132% and 124% respectively in 2025, while Bitcoin and its digital cousins faceplanted into the pavement of market despair.
In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one who understands basic economics (looking at you, crypto bros), actual physical metals you can hold in your hand have become valuable. Silver, that shiny stuff your grandma kept in the good cutlery, is up 132%. Platinum, the metal you pretend to know about at dinner parties, jumped 124%.
Meanwhile, in the digital circus tent 🎪, Bitcoin tripped over its own shoelaces (-8.8%) while altcoins performed their now-traditional disappearing act (-99%). Memecoins achieved the financial equivalent of spontaneous combustion (-99.9%), and NFTs somehow managed to lose more than their entire value (-101%), proving that mathematics is merely a suggestion in the crypto-verse.
Platinum: The Metal That Finally Got Its Act Together
Platinum prices have reached heights not seen since the last time people cared about platinum (approximately 18 years ago). At $1,975 per ounce, it’s become the popular kid in the periodic table, thanks to:
- Car makers needing it to pretend their vehicles are environmentally friendly 🚗💨
- The hydrogen economy (which is definitely happening any day now) ⏳
- South African mines producing less because apparently digging stuff up is hard work ⛏️😴
JUST IN 🚨: Platinum prices reach “we can finally afford office plants” levels 📈🌱
– Barchart (@Barchart)
Silver: The People’s Champion
Silver has become the everyman’s precious metal – all the shine of gold at Walmart prices. At $65.89 per ounce, it’s:
- Cheap enough that you don’t have to sell a kidney to buy some (unlike gold) 💰
- Useful for actual things like solar panels and electronics (unlike crypto) ☀️📱
- Not going to disappear if someone forgets their password 🔐
2025 Financial Report Card:
Silver: A+
Platinum: A
Gold: B+
Copper: C
Lithium: D (tried hard)
Bitcoin: F
Altcoins: Expelled
Memecoins: Deceased
NFTs: Never existed– Matheus Celtic (@CelticMatheus)
Cryptocurrencies: The Sad Trombone Section
Digital assets continue their tradition of being about as stable as a three-legged chair on a cruise ship during a hurricane. Investors are now realizing that:
- “Decentralized” mostly means “no one to complain to when it goes wrong” 🤷
- “Blockchain technology” sounds impressive until you remember it’s just a fancy spreadsheet 📊
- Actual metals don’t crash when Elon Musk tweets about dogs 🐕
Related Reading: Robert Kiyosaki Warns of Bitcoin, Gold and Silver Bubble – Because Someone Has to Ruin the Party 🎉
In conclusion: metals good, pretend money bad. Film at 11. 🎥
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2025-12-22 09:08