In a galaxy remarkably similar to our own, a motley crew of crypto enthusiasts calling themselves the ‘DeFi Education Fund’ (presumably because ‘People Who Like Gambling With Blockchain’ was already taken) decided to pen a strongly-worded missive to some baffled-looking senators.
The document – signed with the gravitas of a drunken yak using a crypto wallet as a stamp – declared that developers should be protected from “inappropriate regulation meant for intermediaries,” which roughly translates to: “Please stop trying to regulate our unregulated things with regulations.”
The Senate Responds With Politician™
The banking committee, in a shocking display of actually doing their job for once, welcomed this feedback with all the enthusiasm of a sloth being asked to compute Pi to the last digit. They murmured something about “promoting innovation” while quietly hiding their abacuses under mahogany desks.
Developers: Endangered Species?
The DEF then launched into a passionate defense of crypto developers – those poor, misunderstood creatures who spend their days coding and their nights worrying about SEC subpoenas sliding under their keyboards. Using the tragic tale of Roman Storm (which sounds like a rejected Marvel villain) as evidence, they argued that software shouldn’t be regulated as a financial institution unless it wants to be, has filled out the proper paperwork, and brought cookies to the regulatory office.
VCs Crash the Party 💸
Not to be outdone, Andreessen Horowitz (or ‘a16z’ for those who value their typing fingers) submitted their own document that essentially read: “Your bill bad, our ideas good.” They criticized the draft bill’s treatment of “ancillary assets” – a term so vague it could describe your weird uncle’s Beanie Baby collection – warning it might create loopholes bigger than the plot holes in “The Rise of Skywalker.”
Their solution? A “digital commodity” model that somehow manages to be both revolutionary and utterly incomprehensible – much like blockchain itself 🤖.
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2025-08-02 04:47