Scandal at the Crypto Assembly: Bitcoin Gains 70 Billion in Mere Hours! 😲💸

It was but a fortnight past that the price of Bitcoin, like the moods of my dear sister Kitty, displayed a most vexing variability. The descent, I assure you, was truly unladylike—until, in a spectacle more sudden than Lady Catherine’s arrival at Longbourn, the asset soared upward, gaining over four thousand pounds in under half a day. One could scarcely fetch a bonnet before it ascended anew!

Altcoins, not to be outdone, soon blushed green. Such improvement, it would seem, aligns suspiciously with whispers from the US-China Trade War, whose endless quarrel influences markets more than the arrival of an eligible bachelor at a country ball.

Bitcoin’s Ascendancy: £97,000 and Other Nonsense

Early May’s arrival found BTC bursting forth with all the finesse of Mr. Wickham bolting for Gretna Green. A rise from £93,500 on April’s final day to over £97,000 the next had all the cottagers gossiping. Buoyed by bullish spirits (or perhaps just gin), the coin dared creep to £98,000 on Friday—its highest estate in months.

Yet, just as Lydia’s romances run recklessly awry, so too did Bitcoin’s course veer. Visions of £100,000 were dashed; the price tumbled, losing nearly five thousand sovereigns, slinking back to £93,500 with the humility of a rejected proposal.

Meanwhile, reports appeared: China and America, those titans beloved of columnists and market-men, intend to parley in Switzerland—perhaps to squabble over tariffs or simply to be near the Alps. News of this meeting fluttered through the market, and, sure enough, Bitcoin revived with renewed vigour, leaping back to £97,600 within hours, prompting much fanning and strong tea. Currently, it sits about £97,000, three percent more fashionable than yesterday.

The market cap—the very dowry of this digital Darcy—has swelled to near £1.930 trillion. As for dominance over its altcoin cousins, BTC now commands over 62%, scandalous on any dancefloor.

A graph to confound the uninitiated.

LTC’s Fortunes Take a Turn—Again

Poor Litecoin! The SEC, in its infinite wisdom and apparent love of suspense, delayed pronouncing upon the fate of an LTC ETF. The result? An unseemly plunge—a fall of over 8%, worthy of Mrs. Bennet’s nerves. But behold! In but twenty-four hours, LTC performed a recovery that would make any Austen heroine proud: a 13% ascent, now above £92. Even Jane herself might have called it “extremely diverting.”

HYPE, ever eager to join the fray, leapt past £21 after a 6% gain. CRO, AAVE, SUI, LINK, DOGE, ADA, BCH, and HBAR have all donned their best green ribbons. One must applaud their taste in accessories.

As a whole, the crypto market cap is now richer by £70 billion, striding above £3.1 trillion as comfortably as Sir William Lucas at a card party.

Another chart, for the mathematically inclined—or the simply curious.

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2025-05-07 12:27