Saylor’s $84 Billion Gambit: Has This Bitcoin Obsession Gone Too Far? 😱🤯

Picture, if you will, a typical Petersburg evening: the sky hung low like a debtor’s brow and every wind seemed to whisper, “Volatility.” In these pale corridors of commerce, the company once known as MicroStrategy—now only “Strategy,” for brevity or perhaps grandiosity—has once again hurled itself, Dostoevskian style, at the high-rolling roulette board that is Bitcoin.

The Yield—Or Maybe Just the Eternal Abyss—Grows Wider

One is almost tempted to question the very arithmetic of the universe. In the first quarter of 2025, Strategy, like some fevered gambler convinced the wheel can’t land on red forever, pocketed $5.8 billion in profit from Bitcoin. Yes, dear reader, that is a “b” and not a cough-inducing typo. Executive Chairman Michael Saylor (who possibly sleeps atop a heap of wallet keys and dreams of blockchains) announced, joyously or manically, plans to invest even more.

Do numbers have souls? Does their growth bring salvation? Strategy’s yield rose another 14% since January—a performance that, were it delivered by a Dostoevsky character, would surely cause paroxysms of guilt and existential dread. But Saylor? He just doubled down with the kind of conviction only seen in Russian novels and Vegas casinos.

What began as “business intelligence” spiraled into full-blown Bitcoin obsession. See here—a company, its eyes no longer on PowerPoint slides, but now fixed on digital gold, with charts, arrows, and projections fit for a fevered prince.

$MSTR proclaims BTC Yield of 13.7% and a $5.8B windfall year-to-date! Doubling capital plan to $42B equity AND $42B fixed income, destined for Bitcoin’s maw. Yield target now 25%—because why not—BTC dollar aspiration inflates to $15B. If this is madness, at least it’s lucrative.
— Michael Saylor, @saylor corner of the internet, May 1, 2025

$84 Billion: One Cannot Buy Happiness, But Perhaps One Can Try

Bloomberg grumbles: $84 billion earmarked for Bitcoin. Half into fixed income (which, in Saylor’s world, is surely less exciting than Russian roulette); half equity (cue stony-faced bankers trying to explain this to their mothers). Not since Raskolnikov brought home the axe has so much been risked over a single idea.

Strategy insists: Bitcoin is not a passing fancy, but a pillar—nay, bedrock—of its very soul. Each new coin is cherished as Sonia might cherish her tormented sinner. Meanwhile, auditors everywhere gnaw their fingernails.

Should this come to pass, Strategy’s corporate vault will groan under the weight of coins; even Scrooge McDuck might blush and look away.

Performance Targets: Now with 66% More Wild Ambition!

Like any Dostoevskian hero upping the stakes before the final act, Strategy now dreams not of a mere 15% return, but 25%—if God and market forces will it. Dollar targets leap from $10 billion to $15 billion. Let the ramparts shake.

Strategy’s Stock Price: The Redemption Arc You Didn’t See Coming

What alchemy is this? Since 2020, Strategy’s stock price has soared by over 3,000%. Early shareholders rejoice (and possibly safeguard their passwords with a religious fervor). In this world, numb to risk and reason, patience is rewarded and doubt is for the weak.

Bitcoin maximalists sing hosannas; skeptics clutch nervously at their fiat. As mainstream firms dip their toes into the crypto abyss, Strategy, under Saylor’s mad watch, dives in headfirst. For better or worse, the roulette wheel spins on.

Remember, dear friends: in the world of finance as in Dostoevsky, the line between genius and madness narrows until it’s merely the edge of a Bitcoin wallet. 😂💸🥃

2025-05-03 03:10

The Yield—Or Maybe Just the Eternal Abyss—Grows Wider

$84 Billion: One Cannot Buy Happiness, But Perhaps One Can Try

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