Sam Altman’s Orbs of Irony: The Kenyan Biometric Crackdown You Need to See

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In a display worthy of Lewis Carroll — or a Kafkaesque tech expo — the High Court of Kenya, that unyielding bulwark against digital dalliances, has instructed Mr. Sam Altman’s World (nee Worldcoin, ex-World, ever-evolving, much like a teenage shapeshifter) to halt forthwith its gleeful gathering of biometrics. “Cease, desist, and delete!” — and not a moment’s delay, save for a generous, almost fashionable, seven days to scrub away those intrepid Kenyan irises and faces already vacuumed up, presumably with as little ceremony as a magician pocketing an inconvenient rabbit. 🐇✨

Worldcoin Stumbles Into the Briar Patch of Kenyan Law

The legendary judicial gavel descended, curtailing Sam’s tireless quest for eyeballs. No more slinking through Nairobi’s tech arcades, no more digital dalliance without a proper Data Protection Impact Assessment – lest you wish to feel the slap of Section 31, Data Protection Act. Rather like being told you may not paint your Mona Lisa until you’ve filled out form E-24 in triplicate and signed a waiver for mischievous smiles.

For the ever-watchful Katiba Institute, this is a triumph. Picture their celebration: a passionate band, sword-brandishing constitution in one hand, the Worldcoin app in the other, dashing forth to save not only Kenya but, possibly, your aunt’s pupil scan. Last August, their suit challenged the export of Kenyan irises and faces via Worldcoin app and Orbs. Seasonal government bluster ebbed. Katiba’s resolve, however, remained as imperishable as the data on an unencrypted disk.

As chronicled by the ever-intrepid scribes at TopMob in 2023, Kenya’s sturdy law enforcement executed an agile, if somewhat theatrical, pounce upon World, forcing a cryptic sabbatical for those Orbs. A fade-to-black police probe followed, but, much like a favorite soap opera villain, World crept back into Kenyan life when the dust settled.

Not to be upstaged, the Katiba Institute’s judicial review application was greenlit, hurrying the investigation to its denouement under the kindly (yet firmly unamused) gaze of Lady Justice Aburili Roselyne. Imagine the spectacle: a ticking seven-day timer, Altman’s minions scurrying to erase terabytes of biometric groceries, all while the Data Protection Commissioner keeps a most unblinkable watch.

Mandamus, they cry! (It sounds like a spell from a lesser-known Harry Potter book.) Mandamus compelling Worldcoin’s merry pranksters to obliterate, permanently and under strictly supervised circumstances, all Kenyan biometric data procured in the heat of enthusiastic crypto-bribery. (“Sign up and get magic internet coins! Also, may we borrow your retinas?”)

Just days prior, Indonesia — perhaps moved by international FOMO — delivered its own legal missive, ejecting World and its wandering Orbs from the archipelago. The world, it seems, is giving Mr. Altman’s retinal roadshow the same greeting one reserves for door-to-door insurance agents: polite, yet flooring the trapdoor lever nonetheless. 🌍🚪

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2025-05-07 01:05