Back in the 1980s, if you wanted to check your stock performance, you’d wait for the morning paper or endure a financial news network’s monologue. Now? You tap a phone, and suddenly you’re a “retail investor,” which sounds like a fancy way of saying “someone who’s slightly less broke than the guy selling knockoff watches outside the subway.”
Robinhood, that paragon of modern finance, has turned investing into something akin to scrolling through a TikTok feed. Commission-free trades, fractional shares-oh, and the “100 Most Popular” list, which feels like a high school popularity contest but with more spreadsheets.
For years, Apple dominated this list. Not because it was the best investment, but because everyone owns an iPhone. Then came Nvidia, the AI titan, which felt like the financial equivalent of a viral dance trend. But here’s the twist: the current No. 1 isn’t either. It’s Tesla, a company that sells cars and also, apparently, existential dread.
The Magnificent Seven: A Tale of Two Tech Giants
Back when Apple ruled, I thought I was clever for buying its stock. Turns out, I was just a sheep in a suit. Then Nvidia rose, and suddenly everyone was talking about GPUs like they were the next great American novel. But even Nvidia couldn’t dethrone Tesla, which has the charm of a petulant genius who insists you’ll love his latest “revolutionary” idea-until it doesn’t work.
Elon Musk, Tesla’s CEO, is like the guy at the family reunion who swears he’s going to start a tech company. Except he actually did. And now, we’re all stuck watching him try to build a robot that can do your taxes while also driving a car. It’s both inspiring and deeply unsettling.
Tesla’s $5T Dream: Robots, Cars, and the Perils of Promise
Morgan Stanley recently claimed that humanoid robots could be a $5 trillion market by 2050. If that’s true, then Tesla is betting the farm on a future where humans are obsolete. Which, honestly, sounds like a bad idea. But then again, so did the idea of selling electric cars in 2010.
The problem is, Tesla’s success hinges on a CEO who treats deadlines like suggestions. “We’re one year away from full self-driving!” he says, every year. It’s like a broken record, but instead of music, it’s the sound of investors nervously checking their portfolios.
And let’s not forget the other risks: declining margins, regulatory credit dependence, and a CEO who once promised a truck that never materialized. It’s a portfolio of hope, but hope is a fragile thing-especially when it’s backed by a man who once said he’d colonize Mars but hasn’t even finished the backyard.
So here we are, clinging to Tesla’s coattails, hoping that this time, the robots will actually work. Or at least not crash into the nearest tree. 🚗
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2025-09-25 11:22