Presidential Whims and Cannabis Currents: A Growth Investor’s Tale 🌿

by

The winds of fortune, capricious as a dragon in a teahouse, have once again stirred the leaves of the cannabis market1. This week’s tempest began when a certain former occupant of the Oval Office-known for his affinity for hyperbolic truth-uploaded a video to his digital fiefdom, proclaiming the virtues of hemp-derived CBD as a panacea for the silver-haired cohort. Medicare, he suggested, might do well to embrace this elixir of calm and sleep2.

1 A note for the uninitiated: In the Bazaar of Capitalism, “cannabis stocks” are those peculiar financial instruments that rise and fall with the regularity of a pendulum in a windstorm. Their volatility is rivaled only by the mood swings of a Luggage made of sentient trunk.
2 The precise mechanism by which a substance once deemed “Schedule 1” could suddenly merit Medicare coverage remains as clear as a mud pie. One assumes bureaucratic wizards are already drafting scrolls to reconcile this paradox.

Such proclamations, delivered via Truth Social-a platform where facts are less a currency than a curious footnote-arrived mere weeks after the same individual mused aloud about reclassifying marijuana federal status. A curious volte-face, given that the Controlled Substance Act has treated the plant as a menace akin to a fire-breathing houseplant since time immemorial3.

3 The Act itself is a tome studied by apprentices at the Unseen University of Lawmaking, where “harm potential” is measured not in data but in the number of alarmed letters from concerned citizens’ hats.

The result? A flurry of trading akin to goblins at a gold sale. Canopy Growth (CGC), Aurora Cannabis (ACB), and Cronos Group (CRON) all sprouted like magic beans, though some have since wilted. Tilray Brands (TLRY), however, surged 42%-a leap that would make even a trained flea envious.

Loading widget...

The Crystal Ball: Cannabis Market Projections

Before the presidential pronouncement, soothsayers at Grand View Research predicted the U.S. cannabis market might swell from $38.5 billion to $74 billion by 2030-a compound annual growth rate of 11.51%. Modest pickings compared to, say, the diamond trade, and fraught with peril for those who fancy investing in enterprises valued at less than the annual budget for a minor principality’s tea ceremonies4.

4 Aurora Cannabis, with a market cap of $329 million, could purchase approximately 0.0002% of the Discworld’s total landmass. A bargain, some might say, though liquidity remains as murky as a swamp-dwelling philosopher’s predictions.

For the risk-inclined (or foolhardy), exchange-traded funds offer a diversified gamble. The Amplify Seymour Cannabis ETF (CNBS) and Alternative Harvest ETF (MJ)-twin ships in the stormy sea of green finance-gained 12.2% and 17.2%, respectively. The latter’s heavy stake in Tilray Brands proves that sometimes, backing the boldest stallion in the race pays dividends5.

Loading widget...

Meanwhile, the AdvisorShares Pure US Cannabis ETF (MSOS) and its cousin YOLO (a ticker that doubles as life advice) climbed 11.9% and 11%. Their reliance on total return swaps-a device as arcane as a wizard’s contractual fine print-suggests modern finance is but alchemy with better spreadsheets6.

6 Total return swaps are akin to betting your dragon’s hoard on whether the alchemist’s gold will appreciate, while paying a fee to a third party (probably a vampire) to hold the IOU. Discworld’s Cohen the Barbarian would spit roast the entire system.

In this realm where policy shifts like a drunken tightrope walker and valuations defy gravity, the prudent investor remembers: fortune favors the bold, but the Discworld’s turtles swim ever onward. 🌿

Read More

2025-10-01 19:22