Postal Heist: Six Dopily Dreaming of Dollar Bills Nabbed in Check Shenanigans!

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In a plot partially ripped from the pages of a particularly slapstick novel, the U.S. Department of Justice – a group of really serious people who wear ties and sometimes carry large briefcases – is preparing to charge a band of rather misguided individuals who thought swiping checks from the Postal Service was an excellent career choice. Spoiler: It wasn’t. 😅

So, gather ‘round as we meet the most unlikely rogues gallery since the last time someone decided to write a sitcom about a band of aspiring criminals: Michael Edwards, Shakeemo Hill, William Hill, Alixandria Lauture, Shuron Malone, and Carlos Mercado. They managed to be the villains of a tale spanning from the far-off days of January 2022 to July 2024—because who else has time for brevity when planning a multi-million-dollar scam?

According to a press release so official it practically shouted “Seriously, we mean it,” our merry band allegedly conducted their dastardly deeds using a nefarious scheme that involved procuring those little keys to Postal Service collection boxes. You know, like the ones you find in the lost-and-found box at a post office mixed with a suitcase of forgotten dreams. They aimed to liberate unsuspecting checks and bank details as if they were birds fleeing from an exceptionally posty cage.

With all the grace of a cow on roller skates, this group cleverly altered check details through digital wizardry and, I kid you not, chemicals to “fix” the original ink. It’s unclear why they didn’t just use a magic wand, but perhaps they were aiming for authenticity. 🪄

Our lead villain, Edwards, was the mastermind fueling this operation from behind a pile of stolen checks, while the illustrious William and Shakeemo Hill, along with Mercado, took to the streets with their newfound postal keys, stealing mail as if they were kids chasing after ice cream trucks. The other two members decided that recruiting friends for a fraud party was an excellent idea, which could only end in the way that all great plans do: implosion.

This delightful gang didn’t just stop at petty theft; oh no, they took to messaging apps to hawk “millions of dollars” worth of checks like they were the fashionable new Tupperware. They also deposited countless bogus checks into ever-trusting national banks on the East Coast—because nothing says “trust me” quite like a bunch of checks that look suspiciously like they’d just emerged from a dodgy printer.

In the wise and often dramatic words of US Attorney Jay Clayton, “As alleged, the six defendants charged today lined their pockets by stealing checks destined for hard-working New Yorkers and others…” In other words, when you see your checks flying off into the sunset, it might just be one of these characters that took an unexpected detour. So, with a determined gasp and a united front, the DOJ and the Postal Inspection Service are declaring war on this cheeky little crime wave—because let’s face it, nobody wants their mail turned into some oversized game of Monopoly.

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2025-06-16 22:04