Planet Labs’ Stock Surge: A Cynic’s Diary of Optimism and Satellites 🚀

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Dear Diary,

Investors have once again proven they’re willing to throw money at anything with a “space” in the name. Planet Labs (PL)’s stock has soared nearly 50% this week, and I’m here to dissect this celestial charade with the same enthusiasm I reserve for my ex’s LinkedIn updates. Let’s call it a “moonshot” of optimism-though the moon in question might be Saturn’s.

A Satellite Star (Or a Blip?)

The week began with Planet Labs trotting out its Q2 fiscal 2026 results, a performance so polished it could double as a TED Talk for venture capitalists. Revenue jumped 20% to $73 million, and the GAAP net loss shrank from $16 million to a mere $8 million. Non-GAAP loss? A paltry $0.03 per share. Analysts, ever the cheerleaders, had predicted $66 million in revenue and a $0.04 loss. Bless their naive hearts.

Units of Cryptocurrency Lost: 12. Hours Spent Watching Charts: 9. Number of Panicked Texts to Friends: 24.

Meanwhile, the company unveiled its Pelican-3 satellite images of Turin, Italy. The photos? “Extremely clear and detailed,” according to the press release. Which is to say, they look like a Google Maps screenshot if Google Maps were narrated by a French existentialist.

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Willing Investors (Or Desperate Ones?)

Planet Labs then upped its convertible note offering from $300 million to $460 million, a move that screams “We’re funding this with hope.” The press release promised to “strengthen our balance sheet” and “enhance our competitive position,” which is corporate speak for “We’ll figure it out later.” The funds will also “minimize dilution for existing shareholders”-a poetic way of saying “Don’t panic; we’ll keep the illusion alive.”

Here’s the rub: The company’s losses are narrowing, but it’s still hemorrhaging money. The Pelican-3 images are impressive, but do they translate to recurring revenue? And let’s not forget the convertible notes-those $460 million in bonds will eventually become shares, which means more dilution down the line. A classic case of “kiss the future goodbye” while high-fiving the present.

So, what’s the takeaway? Planet Labs is a stock for the optimist in all of us-the ones who believe that launching satellites into orbit is the same as launching a sustainable business. But if you’re looking for a sure thing, perhaps stick to buying moon rocks on eBay. At least you’ll own something tangible.

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2025-09-13 01:12