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Behold, the weekly chart: Ethereum, like a gladiator, breaks free from the chains of a Descending Broadening Wedge, only to retest its former prison’s walls. Here, the pundit Gert van Lagen, a modern-day Nostradamus, insists this is not chaos but choreography. The 79% projected ascent? A statistical jest, perhaps, but one that dances on the edge of reason. “History repeats,” he intones, as if the market were a Greek tragedy. Yet, when Bitcoin once wore the same pattern, it soared to $230,000—a feat that now seems less prophecy and more collective madness. 🤯

It seems everyone with a keyboard and an opinion is betting on whether the U.S. central bank will cave to Trump’s pressure. Remember, this is the guy who’s been publicly roasting Powell like a Thanksgiving turkey for not lowering rates fast enough. The last time the Fed trimmed rates was December 18, 2024—yes, I had to Google that too—and now Trump is acting like it’s been decades. “Lower them faster!” he cries, as if the federal funds rate is some kind of overpriced avocado toast.

Bitcoin (BTC), the digital Prometheus, soared to $115,000 on Monday, rebounding from a weekend dip to $111,965. Ah, the weekend—when markets sleep, but Bitcoin never rests. The drop, my dear reader, was fueled by U.S. jobs data, that eternal harbinger of recession fears. Over 24 hours, $29 billion changed hands. A mere pittance in the grand scheme of things, no? 🤑

After weeks of building momentum, XRP has found itself stuck between crucial technical thresholds. Analysts are watching whether the coin can close the month above the $3.00 level—a move that would signal a continuation of bullish momentum. Failure to do so could trigger a retreat toward the $2.70–$2.85 range, with some even eyeing a dip below $2.50 if broader sentiment weakens. 🕵️‍♂️📉

The market, ever the dramatic, may soon tremble as USDT’s dominance ascends, echoing the April 2025 tempest that left altcoins whimpering in the rain. One might call it a “flight to safety”—or simply investors fleeing altcoins like they’re dodging a bad neighbor.

Speculative fever is back in town! 🔥 Memecoins have surged nearly 4% in the last 24 hours, with inflows topping $5 billion in just two days. This has pushed the total market cap to a cool $65 billion, reviving risk-on sentiment among traders faster than you can say “to the moon.” 🚀

According to the latest unsolicited oracle—from somewhere deep within the mysterious depths of omniscient press releases—the total capital raised would be worth £8.1 million ($10.75 million). Investors could snag shares at £2.05 a pop, although these shiny new offerings won’t be glittering on the trading floor until August 7, 2025. Set your calendars! ⏰

PancakeSwap [CAKE], dear friends, experienced a modest 2.83% price bounce on the 3rd of August. However, the short-term trend remained decidedly bearish following the unsuccessful attempt to break through the $2.95 barrier at the end of July. Alas, the poor CAKE was forced to retreat back into its 7-month-old range, much to the delight of the bears. 🐻

The latest XRP distribution chart, freshly spritzed and pinned with all the pomp of a royal decree, reveals how Ripple—those masterful custodians of digital gold—manage their treasure trove. At the heart of this visual symphony lies a breakdown that could make even the most hardened token enthusiast swoon: circulating coins, Ripple reserves, and the legendary locked escrow, all playing their part in this cryptic ballet.

Sergey Ivancheglo, the self-proclaimed ringmaster of this digital circus, claims his Qubic mining pool is under a DDoS attack. Imagine trying to run a cryptocurrency carnival while someone throws confetti at you with a firehose. 🚰💸