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Now, if picking individual stocks feels as daunting as choosing which fork to use at a fancy dinner party, fear not! The S&P 500 is here to save your sanity-and possibly your portfolio. This index isn’t just any collection of companies; no sir, it’s like the Avengers of the stock market, minus the spandex. Only the crème de la crème make the cut, and when they falter (cue dramatic organ music), they’re shown the door faster than a bad vaudeville act.

But fear not! For all is not lost in the realm of mRNA. Whether Moderna can rebound and reclaim its former glory depends on three rather crucial developments, which we shall now examine with the enthusiasm of a man discovering a forgotten cigar case. Let us begin, if you’ll permit me, with the first.

Enter the trio of schemers: Fuzzy Panda, Muddy Waters, and Culper, who, with the solemnity of philosophers, have declared war on AppLovin’s Axon 2.0, its AI adtech marvel. “Treason!” they cry, alleging privacy violations and clandestine app installations. Yet, what have they gained but a chorus of yawns from the mighty Alphabet and Apple? One might say their plots are as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

A stock split, dear reader, is not unlike a magician’s sleight of hand. The numbers dance across the ledger-shares multiply, prices divide-but the essence remains unchanged. No gold is minted, no debt erased. And yet, the mere announcement of such an act can send ripples through the financial ether, awakening dormant passions and inflaming the hearts of those who believe they are witnessing something profound. But beware, for beneath the surface lies a system as absurd as it is unyielding-a system where perception often trumps reality, and where even the most rational among us bow to its whims.

As of mid-2025, Alphabet’s portfolio-worth over $2.1 billion spread across 36 companies-reveals a curious alchemy of ambition and divestment. One holding has ascended like Icarus to the sunlit zenith of its favor, while another has been cast off like a moth-eaten cloak. Let us then embark on this literary exploration of capital’s caprices, where moonshots are launched and erstwhile darlings discarded.

Artificial intelligence (AI) stocks were having a moment last week-think Beyoncé-level buzz-but Supermicro’s valuation decided to pull a 2016 Fyre Festival. After releasing its Q4 results, the company’s sales and earnings fell short of market expectations, even though it offered forward guidance that sounded suspiciously like a pep talk from your boss before layoffs.

The audacious numbers landed before the market opened on August 6. If you could hear the stock market’s pulse that morning, it was beating like a war drum; a fervent sales beat propelled this mad surge in Shopify’s shares, sending investors into a dizzying spin. Year-to-date, Shopify has rocketed upwards-41%. But hold onto your portfolios, because this isn’t just a thrill ride; it’s a full-blown rollercoaster.

For behold, as the trumpets of fiscal gain sounded, so too did the clarion calls of potential calamity. News wriggled its way through the corporate ether that the ambitious $9 billion acquisition of Core Scientific might meet resistance-a fact that, paradoxically, ignited glee among some investors. Perhaps, they mused, a lingering doubt is the seed of faster-growing revelations, or simply the stock market’s embrace of stylish unpredictability.