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This marks the ninth—yes, the ninth—such petition, as though filing S-1s were the latest trend amongst people with far too little to do on a Thursday. Institutional interest in these so-called “altcoins” is evidently mounting, presumably because some analyst stuck a dart in a chart and declared crypto “in.” Still, hope springs eternal, and forms multiply like rabbits at a country estate. 🐇

Alas, while the price looks stable, there’s trouble brewing under the blockchain surface—activity metrics have taken a nosedive, probably in search of lost socks or the meaning of blockchain.

This pageant, SoFi assures, shall be quicker and so affordable you’d think the lawyers fainted. Traditional remittances, prepare your handkerchiefs! The remittance revolution arrives, and it’s wearing digital tights.

Real-world asset (RWA) tokenization has, against all odds and a mountain of jargon, outlived its awkward adolescence. What was once a mid-2000s startup fever dream now boasts over $20 billion in “tokenized assets,” and has somehow roped in Apollo, BlackRock, Hamilton Lane, KKR, and VanEck. Which means, naturally, that your uncle with the digital ape JPEG probably feels validated. Institutions sniffed around, kicked the tires, and decided, “Yeah, let’s put real stuff on the blockchain. Why not? What could possibly go wrong? 😅”

Frankly, this ain’t just a political promise—it’s a spectacle you’d pay a nickel to watch through a hole in a circus tent.

Metaplanet, a daring Japanese company (because why not?), declared an audacious quest to amass a staggering $5.4 billion worth of Bitcoin by the end of 2027. Already, in a single day, they snatched up $517 million, like ravenous wolves at the market. The hunger is real, dear reader. 🍣

Someone took to the bank’s online help desk and asked, straight out, “Say now, can I buy one of them newfangled cryptocurrencies with my Barclaycard?” To which the bank gave a reply colder than a January pond: “Nope, not a chance. Go fish.”

More recently, mobile devices have been affected by malware that infiltrated them via corrupted applications. These apps contained various enticing software designed to attract cryptocurrency users. Fortunately, the removal of many methods for SparkKitty’s attacks has been facilitated by the moderation efforts within app stores.

The year began almost charmed: XRP, like a careworn student suddenly favored by a stern governess, flirted with its January highs. Victories in dusty American courts—against the stony U.S. SEC no less!—gave cause for hope and even a muted celebration. Partnerships blossomed. Were we fools to imagine peace? Alas, global drama cares little for crypto dreams. Just as the samovar boils at the most inopportune moment, so too did the world’s agitation send XRP tumbling, down to an ignoble $1.91 before pulling itself up by its own bootstraps (or whatever digital assets use for boots these days) to exchange glances with $2.28—stubborn as any Russian checkpoint.