Bitcoin’s 2026 Dilemma: Will It Break the Range or Bounce Like a Rubber Chicken?

This phase began back in November 21, a date that now feels both ancient and yet agonizingly recent, like a bad hangover from a time you can’t remember. It’s a cooling period, sure, but not in the “oh, this is comfortable” way-more like the “I’ve left the oven on and I’m too terrified to check” kind of chill. 🌡️ Bitcoin saw a bounce, followed by a slightly higher low and a marginally higher high, before drifting back toward the middle of its recent range, because of course it did. Why take a side when you can just hover ambiguously?

Bitmine’s ETH Hoard: 3.45% of Ethereum’s Supply-But Is It Enough to Survive the Next Bear Market? 🐻❄️💥

The press release, dated Jan. 12, arrived like a telegram from a distant relative: urgent, cryptic, and laced with desperation. Chairman Thomas “Tom” Lee, a man who once dreamed of space travel but now counts decimals for a living, implores shareholders to vote YES on increasing authorized shares. The threshold? A precise 50.1% of outstanding shares. Such precision in a world of chaos! 🤡

Vitalik Drops Bombshell: Maxis Were Right, Behold the Sovereign Web!

He frames sovereignty as more than just resisting governments-it’s about privacy, attention, and autonomy from profit-driven platforms that treat you like a data point wearing a username. Yeah, because nothing screams freedom like a feed optimized to make you click one more thing before bed. 😒

BitGo’s $1.96B IPO Gamble: Crypto’s Next “Brilliant” Move 🎩✨

The company’s offering? A mere 11.8 million shares, which could rake in $201 million if the stars align (and the SEC stops side-eyeing crypto like it’s a suspiciously labeled lunch meat). Leading the circus are Goldman Sachs and Citigroup, because nothing says “trust us, we’re professionals” like enlisting the same banks that invented the phrase “moral hazard.”