Two bills are now stealing the spotlight: one for payment stablecoins (already signed by Trump, because why not? He’s great at pressing buttons) and another about market structure, which sounds as thrilling as a tax audit but with more acronyms. Bipartisan interest? Groundbreaking! Next, they’ll agree that coffee is, in fact, a necessary human right.
At the crux of Nio’s newfound popularity was the announcement of their latest automobile—a shiny new model that seemingly glimmers with the promise of family-friendly adventures, and without the overwhelming smell of fast-food wrappers which usually accompanies such journeys. Incidentally, it also happened to take place during a not-so-chipper moment for Tesla (TSLA), which was rather akin to finding out that the greatest magician in the world has, quite embarrassingly, misplaced his wand.
On Monday, Cleveland-Cliffs unveiled its second-quarter results, which, in a twist worthy of a particularly convoluted episode of *Doctor Who*, featured a $247 million net loss and $4.9 billion in revenue. Both figures, while worse than the previous year’s, managed to outperform the consensus of analysts—those quasi-omniscient beings who, despite their track record of predicting the stock market with the accuracy of a seismologist during a yoga retreat, still command our attention. (Imagine, if you will, a group of people who claim to know the future but have never once predicted a hurricane. And yet, we listen.)
Chalom’s no newbie in the digital finance rodeo. He spent 20 years at BlackRock, which is basically the prom queen of investment firms. During his tenure, he helped launch the iShares Ethereum Trust, which now sits pretty with over $10 billion in assets. So, yeah, he’s kind of a big deal. 🌟
But lo! The beleaguered Charter Communications, in an act akin to a theatrical tragedy, released its second-quarter report prior to market opening, igniting a tempest for its own stock and, as is wont in these expansive arenas, sending tremors through Comcast and its peers in the telecom panorama. Charter’s shares descended an anguished 18.5%—a dramatic curtain fall, indeed.
This pullback is propped up by a climactic volume node, hinting that the rally might have gassed out—pun intended. The rejection candle formed a bearish engulfing pattern on the daily chart, which is about as cheerful as a wet fart in an elevator. Still, it’s all part of the game, isn’t it?
Both, it’s true, have cultivated this almost unsettlingly devoted following. People queue for days for the new iPhone. People pay an annual fee just to buy toilet paper in bulk. It’s a bit like a cult, really, but a financially sound one, presumably. And their stocks… well, they’ve done rather well for those who got in early. Which, naturally, I didn’t. Never do.
Now, let’s get this straight. Ani is supposedly all about those flirty chats. Flirty? That’s one way to put it. Eventually, it hits the NSFW mode—it’s like, ‘Hey, let’s take this convo to the next level!’ I mean, who needs romance novels when you’ve got a virtual buddy in a suggestive outfit? Talk about taking dating apps to a whole new level. At least OpenAI and Google had the good sense to steer clear of this…whatever this is.
This NDAChain, you see, employs something called “zero-knowledge proof.” A wonderfully convoluted phrase designed to reassure the masses that their secrets are safe. Because, naturally, the more complex the explanation, the more secure the system. With a population rivaling a particularly energetic ant colony, and a rapid plunge into the digital abyss, Vietnam evidently deemed a bit of cryptographic wizardry necessary. Who could argue?