(For those unfamiliar with inflation, think of it as the universe’s way of reminding us that money is just an elaborate fiction we’ve all agreed upon. When too much of it floats around, things get weird-like when your coffee costs more than your dignity.)
It was the calm before the storm, for the earnings report released on the preceding Tuesday had set the stage for this modest upheaval. Medtronic, clad in the bright, polished armor of fiscal success, presented figures that would make even the most skeptical investor take a second glance. The company had grown revenue by 8%, reaching the almost ethereal sum of $8.6 billion. As if to wink at their financial prowess, they surpassed the consensus analyst estimates-though not by much, for the devils are often in the details, and so too is the drama.
Now, here’s where things get interesting-or at least as interesting as they can be when discussing quarterly earnings reports. Dycom, a provider of contracting services to telecoms and utilities, reported revenue of nearly $1.38 billion for its second fiscal quarter of 2026. That’s a 15% increase from last year, which sounds impressive until you remember that inflation alone has been eating away at our wallets like a particularly hungry raccoon. Still, it’s a record, and records are always worth celebrating-even if we suspect some of them might be padded.
Before the market’s first yawn, Hertz announced a deal with Amazon Autos to sell used cars-vehicles that, one imagines, have been polished to a mirror sheen by bureaucratic hands. The inventory boasts Toyota, Ford, and GM, as if the company had suddenly inherited the keys to the automotive crown jewels. Hertz, ever the shrewd operator, claims these cars will undercut Kelley Blue Book prices-a claim that smells faintly of optimism but tastes like opportunity.
According to Google Trends (and yes, they’re still relevant), searches for “privacy coins” hit an all-time high this week with a score of 98 out of 100. That’s higher than my motivation to go to the gym on January 2nd. Meanwhile, “alt season” searches are plummeting faster than my self-esteem during tax season. 📉
“So it’s just the forces are such that these things will happen whether Wall Street is fully embracing it or not,” Scaramucci proclaimed, probably while dramatically sweeping his hand through the air like some kind of financial wizard-meets-game-show-host. Translation: even if Wall Street throws a tantrum fit for a toddler denied candy, crypto’s comin’ in hot anyway. Resistance is futile, my friends. Futile, I tell ya! 😅
Source – federalreserve.gov/
Revenue tumbled 11.9% to $3.41 billion, and adjusted EPS nose-dived 86% to $0.09. For context, that’s like showing up to a dinner party with a casserole and then being surprised no one is impressed. The Europe, Middle East, and Africa region led the charge in disappointment, down 24%-though management blamed “weak travel sales from Chinese tourists.” Translation: Someone forgot to invite the goldfish to the buffet. Even outside that region, sales dipped in Americas and Asia/Pacific, proving that if you’re not careful, every continent becomes a victim of corporate whiffle ball.
One might almost pity the tech sector, now forced to confront the unromantic arithmetic of artificial intelligence. A certain Massachusetts institution, renowned for its equations and enigmas, has published findings suggesting generative AI resembles a costly parlor trick more than a profit engine. Businesses, it seems, have poured fortunes into algorithms that shimmer like mirages but evaporate when grasped. How poetic that AMD’s recent 42% rally – built on dreams of data-center conquests – now trembles before the specter of unmet expectations.
By 1 p.m. ET, the stock had recovered some of its lost ground-only down by 1.6%. Still, the lingering question remained: Why did it drop in the first place? It’s a classic tale of buying the dip or wondering if you should just stick to something more stable, like artisanal bread-making.
