Behold, Matt Poblocki, general purveyor of Binance’s Australian and New Zealand escapades, took to the stage-or should we say, the virtual script of CryptoMoon-to lament: “Seamless access,” he proclaimed, “affects participation, instilling confidence and office-worthy trust in the market. Yet, these barriers brood, stifling adoption and flowering growth!”
Enter OxPepesso, a self-proclaimed sage of the markets, who has taken to X (née Twitter) to declare his dramatic exit from the crypto stage by October. With all the flair of an actor in a Molière farce, he points to historical patterns as his guiding stars. Ah, but beware, dear investors, for the fabled “altcoin season” may be shorter than your patience for this charade!
The OIG’s account reveals that from the 18th of October, 2022, to the 6th of September, 2023, Mr. Gensler’s government-issued mobile ceased to synchronize with the SEC’s device management system. In a twist worthy of a Gothic novel, the SEC’s Office of Information Technology (OIT) erroneously marked the phone as inactive, leading to an automatic wipe. In a misguided effort to revive the device, the staff performed a factory reset, thus erasing all text messages and operational logs. The OIG described these events as a series of “avoidable” errors, exacerbated by the absence of backups. 📲💥
Let’s set the scene. In the grand theater of U.S. antitrust law, the government had sought to dissect Google’s empire, forcing the tech behemoth to sever its hold on Chrome like an old lover’s memory. But, in a move that can only be described as a masterstroke of bureaucratic gymnastics, Judge Amit Mehta ruled that Alphabet, Google’s parental figure, didn’t need to part with Chrome after all. Sure, Alphabet was told to share some of its precious data with certain “peers”-a delightful gesture that must have made their lawyers’ hearts flutter with joy. But this wasn’t the breakup the government was hoping for. No, it was more like a mild reprimand followed by a generous handshake and an understanding smile.
Let’s get real. When your stock price jumps 52% in three months-twice as fast as a tech giant with a $10 trillion market cap-you’ve got to stop and ask: Is this a stock, or is it a confidence trick? (Units of Patience Lost: 3. Hours Spent Googling “Is AMBA a fraud?”: 4. Number of Caffeine-Induced Heart Palpitations: 2.)
In the delicate dance of finance, Oklo has opted to expand its most recent secondary offering, swelling it to just under $540 million-a mere trifle, one might say. An additional $140 million to the pot, a princely sum by most standards, but one that proves that ambition, like a well-tailored suit, must sometimes be adjusted to fit the moment. Initially, the company had raised around $400 million through the sale of nearly 5.46 million shares. The expansion of this offering was certainly an unexpected flourish, but not one devoid of consequence.
The board’s authorization of a $200 million buyback program, announced pre-market, grants the company flexibility to repurchase shares via open-market transactions or other mechanisms. Notably, the initiative lacks an expiration date, suggesting a long-term commitment to capital efficiency.
The culprit? A recommendation downgrade from Evercore ISI’s David Palmer, who, in a move that would make even the most seasoned investor question their life choices, demoted Texas Roadhouse from “outperform” to “in-line.” His new price target of $190 per share is a number so precise it could double as a riddle. (Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the other side of the ledger.) Palmer’s concern? Beef prices, which he claims are on a trajectory more relentless than a toddler with a paintbrush. “The universe,” he wrote, “has a particular fondness for inflation, and it seems to have a soft spot for cattle.”
The agreement with TVA establishes a framework for constructing a 6-gigawatt nuclear facility using NuScale’s small modular reactor (SMR) technology through ENTRA1 Energy. While this represents a potential milestone for SMR deployment in the U.S., analysts caution that the project’s scope-capable of powering 4.5 million homes or 60 data centers-remains contingent on multiple variables.
Before dawn broke over Wall Street, DLocal announced that one of its titans-a shadowy entity linked to General Atlantic-would release 15 million Class A common shares into the open market. These were priced at $12.75 apiece, a figure low enough to make even seasoned traders pause and reflect on the fragility of trust. The offering loomed large, like a storm cloud above a field of wheat ready for harvest. Investors, sensing the chill of uncertainty, turned their backs, fleeing not just from risk but from something more intangible-an unspoken fear of abandonment.
