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The spectacle unfolded at Istanbul Blockchain Week, where bureaucrats, suited and stoic, gathered like crows on a carcass to softly mutter the end of decentralized exchange freedoms. A transcript landed on my desk—anonymous, no doubt shaken loose by a trembling desk clerk—detailing the new plan. Let’s call it what it is: DeFi is to be herded into the same lifeless barn as the centralized lot. Fill out your forms, ye free-spirited protocols, or taste the cold shoulder of banishment.

In a recent CNBC Television interview, Citi Wealth’s chief investment officer Kate Moore expressed her discomfort with the rally, citing a macroeconomic outlook that’s still shrouded in uncertainty. Think of it like trying to navigate a spaceship through an asteroid field without a functioning nav computer. 🚀

The price was everywhere, hitting a $0.0000136 range. To put that into perspective, that’s 16.8% volatility—if FLOKI were a roller coaster, nobody would be allowed on without a helmet and a signed waiver. The fireworks mostly happened from 13:00-16:00 UTC, but really, time is relative when you’re watching numbers this tiny bounce around.

In classic cryptonian fashion, UNI ascended to $7.5485 on July 8, sprouting wings and soaring 67% from its April depths (also known as That Month We Don’t Talk About). With a market cap of $4.7 billion, one suspects somewhere, a tech bro just bought another lava lamp.

The erstwhile sale page, once proudly proclaiming the token’s imminent arrival, now lies in tatters, a 404 error a grim reminder of the transience of crypto fortunes 💔.

CEO Paolo Ardoino, a man of evident sagacity, confided in Bloomberg that this move is part of a grand strategy to economize and assert independence. “If you have your own vault, eventually, with the size, it gets much cheaper,” he quipped, with a wink to the ledger. With a staggering $159 billion in USDT in circulation, nearly 5% of Tether’s reserves now glimmer in precious metals, mostly gold 💃.

The newly formed company plans to participate in staking for the different supported altcoins to offer its shareholders a reliable yield. Furthermore, ReserveOne will also participate in crypto lending through DeFi smart contracts, to ensure a secure stream of yield.

Guy has predicted that XRP could rally to a whopping $5.30, which is like, a gazillion space bucks 🚀. But, of course, there’s a catch. The altcoin needs to break out of its current range first, which is kind of like escaping from a Vogon poetry reading 📚.

In a statement that could have been lifted straight from a detective novel, a Qantas spokesperson, with a voice as grave as a tombstone, said that the firm is in close communication with authorities but wouldn’t confirm whether the hackers are demanding a ransom in exchange for the stolen customer data, reports The Guardian. 📰💰

The deal, a complex tapestry of financial wizardry, included a $195 million sale of American depositary shares and warrants at $1.40, along with $189 million of five-year secured convertible debentures priced at a 4% discount. It’s a financial ballet, with each move carefully choreographed. 🩰🎶