Bitcoin’s Latest Fiasco: STRC’s Rollercoaster Ride to $4.2 Billion

They’ve now announced they’re offering up to $4.2 billion in these fancy Variable Rate Series A Perpetual Stretch Preferred Stocks (try saying that five times fast). What does that mean? Well, it’s a type of security that pays dividends, has yields as variable as your aunt’s mood, and doesn’t even know when it’s supposed to stop existing. It can be called or redeemed by the company whenever they feel like it. Talk about a flexible repayment plan!

Centrus Energy: A Nuclear Fallout on Wall Street?

Let’s cut to the chase: there wasn’t some earth-shattering revelation about Centrus itself causing the plunge—no whistleblower with a suitcase full of radioactive secrets. No, this was something far more insidious. The Trump administration, in its infinite wisdom, decided to slap new tariffs on imports from dozens of countries. DOZENS. And Russia? Oh, they’re getting the VIP treatment here—a tightening noose of sanctions that could choke off one of the world’s largest sources of uranium.

🚨 Bitcoin Dumps: Jobs Data Sucks, Fed Panics, Trump Blames Powell 😱

So, logically, this should be great news for risk assets, right? Lower growth means the Fed might finally stop playing hard to get with rate cuts. Traders are now betting their last avocado toast that a September rate cut is 75% likely. Treasury yields dropped faster than my self-esteem after a bad Tinder date, and gold is basically doing a victory lap, up 1.5% and eyeing its all-time high. 🏆

How Optimism Might Just Be Smiling Its Way Out of the Dumps—With a Little Sass

In spite of a recent decline of 6.4%, tumbling to a modest $0.67 — as if it were shyly retreating from a bustling ballroom — OP’s manner suggests a penchant for steadiness, with trading volume holding firm, and bullish spectators eagerly awaiting a proper rebound. The question now is whether our dear Optimism can clutch its support and ascend towards loftier ambitions, or if it shall simply dance on the precipice of indecision.

Fed’s Rate Stasis and Crypto’s Unseen Dance

Cryptocurrency investors, those modern-day alchemists, remain fixated on the Fed’s cryptic omens. They whisper that cheap money fuels bull runs, while tight money quenches them, as if the market were a child tethered to a pendulum of fiscal whims. Yet the digital realm of 2025, with its labyrinthine logic, thrives on engines that hum without the need for monetary octane. Behold, the tale of how this rate stasis may ripple through the crypto cosmos.

AES: A Stock’s Unlikely Triumph

Earnings, that fickle friend, were the spark. AES outperformed forecasts, earning $0.51 per share where $0.40 was expected. But the harvest was not whole—the revenue fell short, a hollow sack in a time of need.

Applied Digital Stock: A Kafkaesque Descent

At the opening bell, the company’s shares plummeted as much as 13.2%, a freefall that seemed almost choreographed for maximum disorientation. Yet, like a bureaucratic form submitted too late and returned with cryptic annotations, it clawed back significant ground in subsequent trading hours. Was it the strength of its recent earnings report that stemmed the tide? Perhaps. But no such clarity exists here; instead, one must grapple with the unsettling weight of macroeconomic tremors—the latest U.S. jobs report, a document so dense with revisions and recalibrations that it might have been penned by a committee trapped in perpetual deliberation.

Crypto Kidnapping: $1M Bail Buys Freedom for Accused Torturer 🤯

According to the grapevine, Woeltz and Duplessie had a bone to pick with Michael Valentino Teofrasto Carturan, a 28-year-old Italian crypto trader. They allegedly held him hostage in a Manhattan townhouse for three weeks, demanding the golden ticket—his bitcoin password. During this time, they stripped him of his gadgets and passport, leaving him as stranded as a turtle on its back. They even penned a manifesto, a modern-day treasure map to his $100 million crypto stash. 📜💰