Congress, in a miraculous moment of lucidity (or sheer exhaustion), passed the bill. The House said “fine, whatever,” 222-209, and the Senate went “meh, sure” with a 60-40 vote. And just like that, 800,000 federal employees might finally afford, I don’t know, ramen that isn’t instant? 🍜
In a filing to the US Securities and Exchange Commission-that bastion of seriousness-Canary described Mog Coin (MOG) as a memecoin “associated with the ‘Mog’ internet meme.” 🖼️ Because, in this brave new world, a meme is not just a joke; it’s a cultural artifact, a digital trinket for the masses to worship. “A cultural statement and a collector’s item,” they say. Ah, the poetry of late-stage capitalism!
“It’s an honor to sign this incredible bill and get our country back to work,” Trump declared from the Oval Office, probably while thinking about his next golf outing. ⛳😏 Hundreds of thousands of federal employees can finally stop binge-watching Netflix and get back to their desks, where they’ll promptly start a countdown to the next shutdown. ⏳🤦♂️
Atkins, with the solemnity of a man unveiling a particularly tedious tax code, proposed a “token taxonomy”-a framework so structured it might as well be encased in Victorian mahogany. The aim? To distinguish securities from commodities, a task roughly as straightforward as parsing the moral philosophy of a hedge fund manager.
Japan Exchange Group (JPX), the guardian of the Tokyo Stock Exchange, is contemplating quite the theatrical performance to curb the wild ambitions of listed companies that stash digital tokens like squirrels preparing for a nuclear winter, according to the whispers of Bloomberg.
Per an SEC 13F filing (the quarterly “Here’s What I Bought While You Weren’t Looking” report), Bearing Point dumped a solid chunk of Sprouts in Q3. The stake’s value nosedived from representing 1.2% of fund AUM to just 0.3%. To put that in perspective: if their portfolio were a salad, Sprouts used to be the arugula. Now it’s the sad parsley garnish no one asked for.
The big reveal? Protocol fees. Yes, finally! After all these years, Uniswap’s decided to charge for something. Maybe next they’ll start monetizing the “swipe right” vibe of their interface. Groundbreaking.
Coinbase, that grand courtier of cyberspace, has decamped to Singapore with its new Business platform, a cauldron of instant USDC payments, global settlements, and tools for the crypto-toting bourgeoisie-all under the benevolent stewardship of Standard Chartered.
This reform, the most significant since Uniswap’s 2020 token launch, aims to transform UNI from a passive governance token into a deflationary, yield-generating beast. A most noble pursuit, if one can ignore the chaos it might unleash.
